Concepts
Ideas and topics that help us understand our world.
Spheres of Responsibility
Spheres of Responsibility is a framework for understanding the different layers of life where we hold responsibility, and how these layers connect and expand outward from the self. Alternative names: Inner Work, Core Taking responsibility in this sphere means becoming conscious of how our inner world has effects on how we show up in the outer world.
Cancel Culture
We've dismissed the term cancel culture for a long time because we saw it mainly as a way for people who are confronted with making a mistake to evade accountability. What’s often forgotten is that the roots of this practice lie in Black liberation movements, where calling out harmful behavior publicly became a vital way to seek justice outside of systems that fail to protect marginalized communities. Over time, however, the term has been co-opted and repurposed—often by those in power—to deflect criticism. Rather than taking responsibility for the harm that was caused, people often focus on how the injustice is communicated. This shifts the attention away from the root of the issue. We believe it's crucial to listen to people experiencing violence and injustice, no matter how it is delivered. There should always be space for righteous anger. However, recently, we started reflecting on our own behavior, how punishment is ingrained in our culture and how this leads to judgment and finger pointing in cases where more effective conflict resolution could be possible. When we focus too much on outer spheres and neglect the necessary inner work, this can lead to externalization and cancel culture.
Responsibility
To us, taking responsibility means recognizing which aspects of life we can control. It means doing the necessary shadow work to understand how our unconscious behavior might affect the people around us, society and the human organism as a whole. It also means leaving space for other people to take responsibility for their own behaviors. We're realizing more and more that we can't make other people take responsibility for collective issues. We can't control anyone and we shouldn't want to.
Conflict Avoidance
Conflict avoidance means having (conscious and unconscious) strategies to evade conflict resolution and the vulnerability that comes with it. Too often, we are outsourcing our conflict resolution to hierarchies.
Alchemy
Transmutation Solve et coagula "The basic formula for profound alchemical change is solve et coagula, which means: to first utterly dissolve (solve) an existing form and then to carefully bring the dissolved and purified elements together again (coagula) in a whole new, more potent and finely organized, permutation."
Collective Liberation in this Lifetime
Collective Liberation in this lifetime is possible. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, activated when enough of us dare to believe and are willing to take responsibility for our share of the work. Collective Liberation in this Lifetime is an affirmation that stretches our shared imagination.
Mental State
Our mental state has a lot of power over how we perceive the outer world and what we focus our attention on. Each state is temporary, even though it can sometimes feel like forever. It helps to recognize the current state without judging ourselves. It has helped us to work on the following elements. Each has its own set of practices, which we’ll explore below: - Awareness: Noticing our state. - Acceptance: Sitting with our state. - Shift: Reclaiming agency over our state. Meditation helps us get more aware of our mental state. The "waking up" that we practice during meditation helps us catch patterns and recognize (and control) our state more easily over time. Not trying to change our current state and sitting with the feeling in presence can lead to a big change in how much power we assert to it. Fully accepting and being with our state leads to transmutation. We can use tools to shift our attention away from our current state. However, it's important to recognize it before and not trying to suppress it. - Laughing, e.g. watching something
Golem Effect
The Golem Effect says that negative projection can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we mistrust other people and assume bad intent, this has an effect on how they react towards us. Opposite: Pygmalion Effect When we realize we go into Golem mode, it's good to recognize it without judging ourselves. This is just a reflection of our current internal state. Usually, it helps going into solitude and being present with what comes up. Later, we can then shift our attention using gratitude journaling.
Pygmalion Effect
The Pygmalion Effect says that trust can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we assume good intent and see people with loving eyes, we also get more positive reactions in return. By taking responsibility for our inner state and how we see others, we change how the world interacts with us. ✨ Trust is magic ✨ Opposite: Golem Effect "If you trust the people, they become trustworthy." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy
Finger Pointing
Why does society so often focus more on the people pointing out problems than on the problems themselves? We want to take responsibility in the following ways: - Separate the problem from how it is communicated: The problem exists, even if the way it is pointed out feels uncomfortable to us at that moment. We wish for affected people to be listened to and for the recognition that, due to their pain, they may not always be in a state to name problems perfectly nonviolently and without anger. We acknowledge that “perfect wording” is emotional labor, which we should not additionally burden people more affected by violence to carry. - Question our own authoritarian behaviors: In our society, there is often a focus on the question of who is at fault, who is to blame. This can lead people to enter a protective mode out of fear of punishment and perceive the expression of emotions as a personal attack or accusation. At the same time, we have ourselves been socialized authoritatively and want to observe this in our own communication. When we have the capacity, we can work on processing our anger and the underlying pain elsewhere to communicate problems more effectively.
Lightning Rod
How can we move sensitively and open heartedly through a world where violence is often normalized? The many tensions present in the human organism are often absorbed by sensitive people. This can show up as many small stings that add up and eventually lead to too much pain and overstimulation, for example through: - Unaddressed conflicts - (Passive) aggression - Acceptance of violent structures
Collective Liberation
"Nobody's free until everybody's free." – Fannie Lou Hamer The term collective liberation describes the notion that everyone suffers under oppressive structures. Contributing to liberation means taking responsibility in different areas of life. For example, it is important to find the right balance in the type of work: - Shadow Work: Actively work on recognizing and dismantling oppressive power structures. - Light Work: Actively work on building a world based on mutual trust and care. "Nobody's free until everybody's free." – Fannie Lou Hamer "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly."
Mantra
A mantra is a sound, word, or phrase that is repeated over and over through humming, speaking, chanting, or singing. There are different ways to work with a mantra: - Many spiritual lineages work with mantras that come from long traditions and carry a lot of meaning in them. See examples below. - You can also craft your own mantra by choosing an affirmation that you would like to focus your mind on. "The word 'mantra' means 'mind-protecting.' A mantra is something that protects the mind from itself, really, by giving it some fodder other than the thinking process." – Ram Dass in Paths to God "As you chant, start to surrender into it, start to offer up all of your other thoughts as sacrifice into it." – Ram Dass in Paths to God - Om Mani Padme Hum - Om Ami Dewa Hrih
Anger
We understand anger as an emotion that reveals underlying feelings such as pain and grief. Anger shows us that something is wrong, that we feel unseen, misunderstood, or powerless. It can also be a productive emotion, an "enough is enough" that empowers us to stand up and speak out. Anger can also lead to striking back, to more violence affecting the human organism. We strive to avoid directing our anger at individuals, and instead focus it against violent societal structures. Writing techniques like journaling and stream of consciousness writing can help with anger in various ways: - Release: It can be helpful to just let our angry voices out–without judging ourselves for them. After writing everything down, tearing up the paper can serve as an additional symbolic act of release, as explained in this post: - Need: We have found it immensely helpful to connect to the underlying need beneath the anger. Verbalizing this need has often even caused the anger to vanish at that moment, transforming into compassion. Prompt: What is the underlying need behind this emotion? - Gratitude: Gratitude journaling is a powerful tool for shifting the attention away from anger. To avoid suppressing the emotion, we recommend practicing gratitude after a first release. Being present with anger–really sitting with the emotion and giving it attention–can be a powerful act of transmutation. Where do I feel it? What thoughts are arising? By becoming curious about the emotion, we take it less personally and begin to see it from a higher vantage point.
Grounding
Grounding means connecting more with the present moment, yourself and the Earth. Especially after drawing in a lot of external energy and emotions, it is important to find an outlet. Otherwise, it could lead to involuntary discharge or an inflated ego.
Attachment
Attachment means trying to control things the way they currently are (or our idea of how they should be). The practice of non-attachment means gradually letting go of desire, expectations, and idealization. "Attachment is essentially a refusal to come to terms with change, it’s an attempt to keep things the same or under your power." – Yung Pueblo in What Love Isn't
Meditation
Meditation is about taking time to slow down, be present, and listen to what's going on inside and around us.
Gaza Genocide
While the word genocide was largely being suppressed by Western media until 2025, a growing number of genocide scholars and human rights experts are getting increasingly clear: - The International Association of Genocide Scholars declared that "Israel’s policies and actions in Gaza meet the legal definition of genocide in Article II of the United Nations Convention for the Prevention and Punishment of the Crime of Genocide." - United Nations Special Rapporteur on the situation of human rights in the Palestinian territories occupied since 1967, Francesca Albanese calls Israel a settler-colonial project and highlights corporations who "have profited from Israel’s economy of illegal occupation, apartheid and now, genocide." - Amnesty International concludes "Israel is committing genocide against Palestinians in Gaza." - Human Rights Watch published a report in December 2024 titled "Extermination and Acts of Genocide." - Omer Bartov, professor of Holocaust and genocide studies at Brown University, wrote a piece in NYT called I’m a Genocide Scholar. I Know It When I See It.: "My inescapable conclusion has become that Israel is committing genocide against the Palestinian people. Having grown up in a Zionist home, lived the first half of my life in Israel, served in the I.D.F. as a soldier and officer and spent most of my career researching and writing on war crimes and the Holocaust, this was a painful conclusion to reach, and one that I resisted as long as I could. But I have been teaching classes on genocide for a quarter of a century. I can recognize one when I see one." Israeli military officials told the New York Times that there is no proof that Hamas has been systematically stealing aid that was supposed to go to the people in Gaza. "It's not our fault. Hamas is stealing the food" is a lie that has been used heavily over the last 2 years to justify Israel's deliberate starvation of Palestinians.
Jealousy
Jealousy can have a profound effect on how we see ourselves and others. It often causes heightened insecurities which can lead to negative projection and the Golem Effect. It can really feel like a demon sometimes, taking over control and shifting the state of consciousness. While jealousy can be a very challenging emotion, we shouldn't blame ourselves for experiencing it. We can take responsibility for how we deal with it, know that it's a learning process, and increase †rust and connection along the way. When alone and feeling jealous, gratitude journaling can be used to shift the attention away from negative projection and practice the Pygmalion Effect. At that moment, we don't have control over what's happening outside, so we can only take responsibility for what's happening inside us. The gratitude could be directed at what we have in our own life (appreciating what we have can lead to feeling less dependent on other people), at our partners (maybe even at them having a good time), and other people involved. Here is also a post with different coping strategies when feeling jealous: When getting back together after moments of jealousy, we're currently experimenting with rituals for (re)connection. These involve meditating together before doing a deep listening session. The goal is to have a container where everyone can securely share what has been coming up. <Image src="/img/2023-08-09-jealousy.jpg" width="1280"
Self-fulfilling Prophecy
A self-fulfilling prophecy describes the effect that a prediction or expectation can cause a person to adjust their behavior, which then leads to the prediction to become reality. - Pygmalion Effect and Golem Effect
Emergent Strategy
Emergent strategy is a way of approaching change that draws from nature’s patterns—focusing on adaptability, interconnection, and small actions that ripple into larger transformations. We discovered the term in adrienne maree brown's book Emergent Strategy. "Emergence emphasizes critical connections over critical mass, building authentic relationships, listening with all the senses of the body and the mind." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "Emergent strategy is how we intentionally change in ways that grow our capacity to embody the just and liberated worlds we long for." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy adrienne maree brown provides the following principles: - Small is good, small is all. (The large is a reflection of the small.) - Change is constant. (Be like water.) - There is always enough time for the right work.
Ritual Design
- Opening the container - Transitions between elements - Closing the container Ideas: - Light a candle - Start with three deep breaths or a meditation - Find a way to relax and warm up, e.g. through movement, laughing together - Set an intention for the session. Potential visualization prompt: "How do I want to leave this session today?" Take into account the current emotional depth, don't jump too much. On which emotional level are we right now? For example, when there was an intellectual part, it's difficult to dive right into deep emotional sharing afterwards.
Presence
Being in the now. Not moving between past and future times in our head, but being 100% present in the current moment. - Meditation - Creative expression, e.g. drawing - Movement, e.g. dancing - Cutting off outside noise, e.g. through Low Dopamine Mornings - Deep Listening <Image src="/img/presence-depth.jpg" width="1280" height="956"
Community
How can we make sure that living in community doesn't just stay a romanticized dream or a generic term? How do we want to live together in the future? What are the steps we can take to get there? We believe that community needs a strong foundation of †rust that can only be built over time and through conflict resolution. "I see so many people claiming they want to be in community, that they want to feel connected to their network of friends and peers, but who consistently demonstrate that they lack the one skill truly needed to make a community strong: conflict." – Hanna Williams in Thoughts on Cancel Culture and Conflict - laughing and talking shit together - dancing outside on a beautiful summer day - seeing loved ones enjoy their solitude in the garden - long rounds of goodbyes with many warm hugs and words of appreciation - sitting in a circle with tears in the eyes - being able to sit with the discomfort of conflict and resolve it in a loving way
Organizing
Building collective power and community care structures.
Othering
Othering means focusing on our differences instead of what connects us. Instead of seeing the whole of humanity as an organism with the potential to collaborate with each other, it draws artificial lines between us and them. - Any type of discrimination - A focus on the nuclear family instead of the greater collective and community - Love stories based on "us against the rest of the world" - Finding a common enemy to bring together a group of people
Transmutation
Transmutation describes the process of transforming how we feel by letting our emotions flow.
Arrival Fallacy
The "Arrival Fallacy" describes the human tendency to believe that we will be happy once we reach a certain goal in the future. Usually, the (conscious or unconscious) thought process goes like this: - "When I finally own a house, I will..." - "When I live in a loving community, I will..." - "When I have enough impact as an activist, I will..." People tend to overestimate the positive effects of reaching goals and underestimate other factors on their happiness and mental health. This is also known as impact bias. Reaching a goal that has been seen as a long awaited final destination can even lead to a sense of emptiness once the initial joy has passed. To overcome this, the previous goal is often replaced with a new one. This can result in a cycle of chasing goal after goal, without questioning what would be needed for fulfillment in the present moment.
Trust
"If you trust the people, they become trustworthy." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "Move at the speed of trust. Focus on critical connections more than critical mass–build the resilience by building the relationships." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy
Attention
"What you pay attention to grows." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers." – ThĂch Nhất Hạnh - Gratitude Journaling - Awe Walk
Resilience
"You build resilience by exposing yourself to discomfort on purpose. Cold water. Hard workouts. Difficult conversations." – Damien Echols in The Warrior's Mind
Spiritual Ego
Spiritual Ego is the phenomenon when spiritual practice and the power that comes with it inflates the ego. "The energy doesn’t lie. It just flows. And if you’re not aware of the structures it’s pouring into, you may be reinforcing the very illusions you’re trying to transcend." – Damien Echols in The Shadow Fed by Light Shadow Work helps integrate these aspects of the self.
Conflict Resolution
From being against each other to being with each other. Successful conflict resolution strengthens trust that future conflicts can also be resolved well.
Shadow Work
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate." – Carl Jung Shadow work describes the process of examining and integrating the hidden shadow parts of ourselves. It is about making unconscious patterns conscious, and integrating them so that we don't get controlled by aspects of ourselves that we deny. While shadow work is often used for individuals, there are also a lot of hidden and subconscious aspects in society as a whole. Carl Jung used the term collective unconscious. As above so below means that the collective shadow influences the shadow of human individuals, and vice versa. By working on recognizing our own subconscious patterns, we also help breaking patterns at the collective level.
Future
How much time do we spend thinking about the future, how much of it is based on fear and anxiety, how much of it is based on hope? Here are a few light work methods to help imagine a better future: - Affirmations and future journaling - Utopianism "I know that we are co-creating the future with each word, each action, and with our attention." – adrienne maree brown in We Will Not Cancel Us "There are a million paths into the future, and many of them can be transformative for the whole." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "Tell everyone that the future will be radiant and beautiful. Love it, strive toward it, work for it, bring it nearer, transfer into the present as much as you can from it.” – Nikolai Chernyshevsky
Imagination
Growing our capacity to imagine how life and the world could be is a light work technique that cultivates hope. - Visualization techniques, e.g utopianism - Affirmations
Utopianism
Utopianism is a light work technique with the goal to envision a better future where humans live together in a healthy, sustainable way. It stretches our muscles of imagination and allows us to step outside of our current systems and thought patterns. How does the human organism live together in the future? How do people spend their lives together, how are they organized? How do members of the society see themselves?
Compassion
Compassion is an important ingredient in conflict resolution because it allows us to take things less personally.
Love
"The word 'love' is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists of love acknowledge that we would all love better if we used it as a verb." – bell hooks in All About Love "To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility." – bell hooks in All About Love
Judgment
Judging ourselves and others is often related to binary thinking of right or wrong, good or bad. As long as we judge ourselves for our mistakes, we also judge others. Fear of judgment is holding us back. "One kind of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don't act in harmony with our values." – Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication "Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment." – Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication
Punishment
A society that reponds to failures in the form of blame and punishment leads to a high amount of fear of punishment and thus denying mistakes instead of taking responsibility. "It does not surprise me to hear that there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as 'good' or 'bad' and believe that the 'bad' ones deserve to be punished." – Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication "I believe it is in everyone's interest that people change, not in order to avoid punishment, but because they see the change as benefiting themselves." – Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication
Safe Space
A Safe Space is a space where the goal is for people to feel safe, respected, and free from fear of violence or judgment. It provides a protected environment that fosters openness, vulnerability, and mutual understanding. It is also often referred to as a Safer Space to emphasize that no space is completely free from violence and to show the intention to make spaces progressively safer over time. The safer we feel in a space, the freer and more vulnerable we can be there. For us, conflicts usually show how safe we feel in a space: when harm occurs, we strive for all involved to take responsibility, learn from the situation, and find ways to interact with more understanding and compassion in the future. If this does not happen, if conflicts are swept under the rug, it can result in the space feeling less safe. We share less of what’s going on inside us because we fear further hurt. For us, there are three ways to handle such situations: - Conflict Resolution: The attempt to repair, resolve conflicts, and create a space where all involved feel safer again. - Adaptation: If this doesn’t work (e.g., because involved parties are unwilling to engage in conflict resolution at the moment), we need to adjust our behavior. We show ourselves less freely and vulnerably to prevent hurt. - Distance: We decide whether to continue staying in a space or if we would have to adapt so much that it makes more sense to keep our distance for the time being.
Violence
Many societal problems are based on disagreement about what counts as violence. Physical violence is easier to recognize than psychological violence. "It does not surprise me to hear that there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as 'good' or 'bad' and believe that the 'bad' ones deserve to be punished." – Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication
Solitude
It can be a liberating process to learn to enjoy our own company and cultivating solitude as quality time with ourselves. "Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living." - Carl Jung "Solitude is not (just) the absence of someone or something else, but the presence of my undisturbed perception." - Sarah Diehl in Die Freiheit, allein zu sein
Morning Routine
A morning routine can be helpful to start the day with intention.
Attachment Theory
Attachment theory was coined by John Bowlby and aims to describe how the support and attention we get from our caretakers as children affects our behavior in relationships and conflicts as adults.
Blame
In conflicts, we often fall into the mode of wanting to find someone to blame at all costs. It is important to understand what led to the escalation in order to jointly find out what went "wrong" and how to interact better in the future. However, if we focus too much on assigning blame, it can lead to an endless cycle of accusations. Due to (socially learned) fear of punishment, the accused person becomes defensive and denies being at fault. The parties blame each other and do not see themselves in responsibility. It remains an adversarial dynamic, and no one takes a step toward resolution.
Transformative Magic
Transformative Magic is the art of changing the world by changing ourselves. In an era of widespread burnout, social fragmentation, and institutional collapse, many of us are waking up — but we’re unsure what to do with our awakening. Below, we intend to offer a map to reorient and rebalance. We believe that profound transformation happens when we focus on both polarities of the work: - Shadow Work: Integrating the hidden and denied parts of our psyche - Light Work: Shifting our energy toward luminous behaviors and outcomes It is important to find a good balance. Too much focus on Shadow Work could mean we're stuck in the past and its patterns, missing the bigger picture and hope. Just doing Light Work may result in unquestioned beliefs and an inflated ego. <Image src="../img/light-work-shadow-work.jpg" size="medium" alt="Light Work and Shadow Work"
Time
For us, it is helpful to think of time as a state of consciousness. - Past: Thinking about and visualizing past experiences. - Present/Presence: Being in the here and now. - Future: Visualizing a time in the future. We suggest to observe the amount of time we spend in each of these states. Am I spending a majority of the time pondering in the past? Am I focused too much on the future, neglecting the present moment?
Light Work
Light work means using tools that help us shape our world in a positive way. While shadow work is about recognizing patterns that might be holding us back, light work is about cultivating new, healthy patterns that have previously been beyond our imagination. While a lot of light work techniques are focused on the self, the act of imagining and building a better future for everyone is an important part of collective liberation. On an individual level, we can have an impact by taking responsibility for the energy we bring into the human organism. On a collective level, we can work together and envision a world that's beyond our current imagination, for example through utopianism. - Exercising our imagination of what's possible, for example using visualization techniques and affirmations. - Training ourselves to be in the present and cultivating awe, for example through gratitude journaling and awe walks.
Hope
"Hope is a discipline" - Mariame Kaba How can we cultivate hope while not ignoring the reality of oppression and violence that is currently happening? Imagination and hope are closely related. What is possible of we work on a better world together?
Fetishization
When people wake up to their own prejudices and discriminating socialization, a first reaction can often be to overcorrect. Fetishization, although meant in a good way, is still a form of othering. The path towards equality and liberation means recognizing this part of the process.
Manifestation
Manifestation is the moment an idea transitions from the spiritual realm into the material world. Often, when people talk about manifestation, they mean visualization, which is an important part of the process.
Shadow
The concept of the shadow was introduced by Carl Jung. It is based on the observation that there is a large part of the human psyche that is being kept hidden, remaining in the subconscious. The shadow usually consists of parts of ourselves that we don't like, that we repress and deny. This denial, however, can lead to us repeating subconscious patterns. The more we repress it, the more it wants to make itself heard. Shadow Work is the process of integrating the shadow aspects of the self.
Stages of Grief
The 5 stages of grief is a framework developed by Elisabeth KĂĽbler-Ross with a goal to understand how humans deal with emotional loss. The stages are: - Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance These don't have to happen in linear order or in the same order by everyone. While this framework is typically referenced in cases of death, we believe it can also be mapped to the process of awakening to social injustice.
Visualization
Visualization is a light work practice that helps envision something that has not manifested in the material realm yet.
Free Palestine
How can we help end the violence Palestinians are facing, putting pressure on our governments to stop enabling the oppression and genocide? Our focus the last 2 years has been mainly on the external: Trying to raise awareness and amplify voices with the goal to have more people stand up and get loud agains the horrors of Israel's actions against the Palestinian people. Because we were socialized in Germany, this means specifically doing the shadow work in recognizing our own Anti-Palestinian and Anti-Arab racism and talking about this with other Germans, especially highlighting the media bias and state repression against Palestine solidarity here in Germany. There is a shift in public perception happening that shows that staying loud works! However, we're still focused a lot on making other people join us instead of trying to work together and organize more effectively. With collective power, we can build more sustainable infrastructure and put pressure on people in power. This is why we want to direct our energy more towards internal work and help empower the resistance, for example with conflict resolution.
Responsibility Mapping
Responsibility Mapping is a concept of finding the right balance of how much responsibility we are taking in a relationship or conflict. We learned about this in an article from Remodeled Love, which also highlights an important aspect of the concept: "When you take too little responsibility, you rob yourself of growth. When you take too much, you rob someone else of growth." Relationships come with both individual and shared responsibility: <Image src="/img/responsibility-mapping-venn-diagram.jpg" width="1280" height="922" size="large"
Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle is a psychological and social model that describes a common pattern of interaction in conflict and power dynamics. It consists of three roles that people unconsciously slip into: - Victim: Feels powerless, oppressed, or helpless. Often seeks rescue or validation but resists responsibility or solutions. - Rescuer: Rushes in to help, often unasked. Seeks to “save” others, which can create dependence and deny others their agency. - Perpetrator: Exerts control through criticism, blame, or aggression. Often justifies behavior through perceived injustice or frustration. People often shift between roles within a single interaction or over time, reinforcing a cycle of dysfunction. We're not really fans of the terms victim and perpetrator and are currently looking for alternatives. There are solutions using person harmed and harm doer (or person who caused harm). We're currently not sure if this properly reflects the dynamics referenced in the Drama Triangle framework the way we understand it. We like the concept of responsibility mapping because it doesn't put people into categories like victim or rescuer, while still offering a framework to reflect on the amount of responsibility we're taking in a relationship or conflict. Here's an attempt to merge both concepts: <Image
Holding Space
Holding space means being present when someone shares their inner world with us.
Intention
Doing something with intention means being more present while doing it. In light work practices, the practice of setting an intention is also often used.
Vulnerability
Choosing to stay soft and vulnerable in a world full of violence and conflict avoidance is a powerful act. Being present with vulnerability enables deeper connection.
Fear of Judgment
Fear of judgment means we worry about how others perceive us and that we could be evaluated negatively, potentially leading to blame, rejection and punishment.
Fear of Outshining
Fear of outshining is a form of self-sabotage where we actively hold ourselves back in order to not invoke negative emotions in people around us. - Downplaying our own accomplishments, knowledge and skills - Monitoring how much of ourselves we're showing and adjusting our behavior depending on the respective environment - Feeling guilt or shame about success - Feeling anxiety after taking space and sharing something we're passionate about The fear of outshining is often associated with the Upper Limit Problem. The fear of outshining is closely related to fear of punishment and fear of judgment. When we learned earlier in life that we are getting punished for shining (for example by invoking envy in people and then being treated differently), we adjust how much we're showing ourselves depending on the environment. Fear of outshining can also be amplified by our own judgment of others: When we hold certain aspects of ourselves back in front of some people, this could mean that we're under the assumption that we're "better" in that area. What may help: Shadow Work and recognizing that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Success in one area does not diminish the value of others.
Fear of Punishment
Fear of punishment can slow us down. Instead of taking responsiblity for our mistakes and learning from them, we try to avoid them and act in perfect ways.
Fear
How can we use fear as a catalyst for change instead of something that paralyzes us? - Fear of punishment - Fear of judgment - Fear of outshining
Upper Limit Problem
The Upper Limit Problem describes the tendency to unconsciously sabotage ourselves when we surpass a familiar level of success, happiness, or love. Rooted in internalized beliefs and fears, it limits our capacity to grow, like an internal ceiling. Overcoming it means expanding our ability to receive and sustain well-being without self-sabotage. The term Upper Limit Problem was coined by psychologist and author Gay Hendricks in his book The Big Leap. - Impostor syndrome - Fear of outshining As above so below: just as individuals hit an inner ceiling on how much joy, success, or peace they allow, collectives (and the human organism as a whole) can unconsciously limit how much well-being or transformation they believe is possible. When systemic breakthroughs arise toward justice, healing, or liberation, they often meet resistance not just from external forces, but from within the collective psyche. This may show up as backlash, polarization, or a retreat into the familiar. Recognizing the collective Upper Limit Problem invites us to ask: What are we afraid of when things get better? And how can we expand our shared capacity to hold more possibility, not just individually, but together?
Quality Time
Spending time with intention has the potential to deepen the experience. Often overlooked: Quality time with ourselves, in solitude.
Transparency
People can't read our minds. By sharing what's going on inside of us, we enable other people to understand us better and open up themselves.
Big Words
Using big words can sometimes be a distraction because people have different associations with them. The words might spark emotions, leading to more difficult discourse. It can be helpful to try to explain the concept rather than simply using the term.
Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication (also NVC) is a philosophy developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. Its goal is to raise awareness of how violence can be conveyed through language, often leading to unproductive conflict resolution. NVC is based on a process consisting of four steps: - Observations: What do I see or hear, without evaluating it? - Feelings: What do I feel in this situation? - Needs: What human need is behind this feeling? - Requests: What specific action would I like from the other person?
Product Updates
tender.garden is our platform for learning in public. By sharing product updates, we want to be transparent about our progress and the motivations behind certain features we are developing.
Learning in Public
Learning in public describes the practice of openly sharing the process of learning. Instead of showing up as a teacher, the learner is documenting their reflections, mistakes and adjustments along their path. This practice enables other people to follow along the journey and learn from each other. Learning in public enables us to take responsibility by sharing how our thinking about a topic has changed. It encourages discourse. The practice of documenting our shadow work could also be called (un)learning in public.
Resentment
Resentment makes us see people with less loving eyes. By choosing to address a conflict instead of sweeping it under the rug, I can take responsibility to prevent resentment from building up over time.
Patterns
According to estimates, we make at least 90% of our daily decisions unconsciously. This often leads us to repeat patterns we learned at some point (often in childhood). Shadow Work is a practice focused on bringing unconscious patterns into awareness. Breaking these patterns is also referred to as breaking the cycle. The following methods and exercises can help in recognizing patterns: - Written methods, e.g. journaling - Visual methods, e.g. drawing a timeline
Human Organism
When we're zooming out, we can see that each of our actions has an impact on the human web as a whole. Emotions, ideas... a lot can get carried over. When we're stressed on our way to work, we might get annoyed by someone who is blocking our way, maybe even react accordingly. This could lead to both of us having a negative experience, being angry about each other and carrying this with us. At work, this could lead to additional stressful interactions, leading to coworkers bringing that tension home and complaining about it with friends and family. Everything we do can have a (sometimes tiny, sometimes big) chain reaction. It is our choice what we bring into the organism. To us, this means: - Taking responsibility for our emotions. We strive to be able to consciously decide when we can transmute our emotions ourselves so that we don't bring unnecessary stress and violence into the organism. - Not being too hard on ourselves: Negative emotions aren't alway bad and we shouldn't feel guilty about affecting other people.
Privilege
For us, one of the most effective ways to understand how privilege works is the following question: Whose voice gets heard?
As Above So Below
"As above, so below" describes the idea that the world is connected across zoom layers. The micro and the macro perspective are intertwined. - Wikipedia
Relationship Anarchy
The term Relationship Anarchy (RA) was coined by Andie Nordgren in an article called The short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy. Relationship Anarchy is understood as a philosophy that applies anarchist principles to relationships, which means: - Questioning normativities and rigid relationship categories by defining each relationship through mutual communication. - Recognizing and working on dismantling structual power dynamics that affect the individual relationship (as above so below). Calling yourself Relationship Anarchist can be a bit daunting, because people often understand it was being free of any societal rules of expectations. This is why we sometimes use the term Relationship Anarchism instead, which recognizes this philosophy as a process, not a goal.