Updates
A chronological view of all updates and changes to tender.garden.
August 20, 2025
2 updates
Book: Existential Kink
Existential Kink is a shadow integration technique that was popularized by Carolyn Lovewell. In her book Existential Kink: Unmask Your Shadow and Embrace Your Power a Method for Getting What You Want by Getting Off on What You Don't, she offers a variety of stories and exercises that show how readers can not only learn about and accept, but even embrace their hidden desires. "This book presents a life-altering shadow integration meditative practice that invites us to make conscious the unconscious pleasure that we take in the stuck, painful patterns of our lives. Through consciously enjoying and giving approval to these previously unconscious 'gulity pleasures,' we interrupt and end the stuck patterns so that we can get what we really want in our lives." "As long as we have unconscious (repressed, denied, disowned) enjoyment in some 'bad' thing in our lives, we will keep seeking out that very same 'bad' thing." In the book, Carolyn often references this quote attributed by Carl Jung: "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate." – Carl Jung As long as we don't accept our hidden patterns, we are going to repeat them over and over again. History repeats itself. In Existential Kink, Carolyn gives many exercises that help with the process of making the unconscious conscious. - Deepest Fear Inventory
Deepest Fear Inventory
Deepest Fear Inventory is a stream of consciousness writing exercise popularized by Carolyn Lovewell in her book Existential Kink. The goal of this exercise is to: - Write down all fears that are currently holding you back from making a specific change in your life - Accept these fears by speaking them out loud - Letting go by tearing the sheet of paper to pieces On a sheet of paper, write something like: "Dear Universe, I refuse to have/do [add your desire]" Then write down a liste of bullet points with everything that could be holding you back: - "because I have deep fear that I..." - "because I have deep fear that I..."
August 19, 2025
5 updates
Book: Everyday Utopia
Everyday Utopia: In Praise of Radical Alternatives to the Traditional Family Home is a book on Utopianism by Kristen Ghodsee. "By studying the history of social dreams, we can reject the bad bits and keep the good: challenging ourselves to explore alternatives for how we live, love, own our things, choose our families, and raise children." "The German sociologist Karl Mannheim argued that utopia was a necessary antidote to what he considered the normative role of 'ideology,' a term he specifically defined as the unseen but omnipresent social, cultural, and philosophical structure that upholds a particular 'order of things' and protects those who wield political and economic power." "Those who benefit from the way things are have a strong motive for labeling as 'utopian' any ideas that threaten the status quo. But even beyond that, those steeped in the ideology of their current existence cannot imagine an alternative to it. And most of us follow along." "We accept the way things are because we've never known them. Behavioral economists call this the 'status quo bias.' People prefer things to stay the same so they don't have to take responsibility for decisions that might potentially change things for the worse." "This is why utopian visions of how to build a different future often follow moments of great social upheaval. Ordinary people find themselves unmoored from the realities they once believed to be fixed and immutable–the 'order of things' is disturbed." "We have to fight against our own deeply ingrained status quo bias and control the normal defense mechanisms of cynicism and apathy because without social dreaming, progress becomes impossible." "Tell everyone that the future will be radiant and beautiful. Love it, strive toward it, work for it, bring it nearer, transfer into the present as much as you can from it.” – Nikolai Chernyshevsky
Future
How much time do we spend thinking about the future, how much of it is based on fear and anxiety, how much of it is based on hope? Here are a few light work methods to help imagine a better future: - Affirmations and future journaling - Utopianism "I know that we are co-creating the future with each word, each action, and with our attention." – adrienne maree brown in We Will Not Cancel Us "There are a million paths into the future, and many of them can be transformative for the whole." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "Tell everyone that the future will be radiant and beautiful. Love it, strive toward it, work for it, bring it nearer, transfer into the present as much as you can from it.” – Nikolai Chernyshevsky
Imagination
Growing our capacity to imagine how life and the world could be is a light work technique that cultivates hope. - Visualization techniques, e.g utopianism - Affirmations
Utopianism
Utopianism is a light work technique with the goal to envision a better future where humans live together in a healthy, sustainable way. It stretches our muscles of imagination and allows us to step outside of our current systems and thought patterns. How does the human organism live together in the future? How do people spend their lives together, how are they organized? How do members of the society see themselves?
Talking About Dreams
It’s summer 2020, Pia and I are meeting for the second time. We’re sitting on a wall in the park. She tells me that a lot is going on for her, that she feels overwhelmed but at the same time deeply inspired. That for the first time it feels like she has a real vision of the future: living together with her closest people in one house and sharing life as a community. This vision partly came from watching a series called Tales of the City, which shows queer people of different ages living together as a community on a larger property. And something clicked inside me. After burnout and the end of a long relationship in 2019, I was floating a bit. I felt like I had fallen behind on the traditional path of life, that I had to start again from scratch and walk the classic nuclear-family road: relationship–moving in together–children–house. Even though I had often felt lonely in my “previous life,” it still seemed like the only imaginable way forward. Pia’s ideas about the future inspired me and continue to shape my everyday life and philosophy to this day. That’s how powerful inspiration can be. <Image src="/img/2024-04-11-imagination.jpg" width="1280" height="1036" size="large"
August 18, 2025
10 updates
Compassion
Compassion is an important ingredient in conflict resolution because it allows us to take things less personally.
Love
"The word 'love' is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists of love acknowledge that we would all love better if we used it as a verb." – bell hooks in All About Love "To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility." – bell hooks in All About Love
Article Series: Because We Need Each Other
"Because We Need Each Other: Conversations on Cancel Culture" is an article series by Erika Sasson, Celia Kutz, Kazu Haga, and Shilpa Jain that was published on The Forge and Convergence. You can access the full series here. Find the article here "This first article shares our origin story. We were all part of a gathering called “Because We Need Each Other,” in which 25 people from across the US came together to grapple with the impacts of a punitive pattern in social change/movement left spaces." The authors share the motivation for the gathering and the importance of improving the ways we collaborate in movement spaces. "Given the profound political moment we are in—with the unraveling of many democratic rights and freedoms—it feels more important than ever to strengthen the ways in which we come together on the left" "Our capacity to mobilize is strengthened by our ability to work through disagreement and come back from conflict." They also share important insights from the gathering: "The key takeaway from our gathering—beyond any discrete action steps—was the power of airing our questions in a trusted environment." "Because we need each other, we understand that we also need worldviews that reflect and commit to wholesome, spiritual practices in our movement spaces. We came together to remember, in the important words of one of our beloved Indigenous elders, that we are all cousins. And that we want to continue treating each other as relatives in our work and communities as we go forward in these times."
Article: Damien Echols on Spiritual Ego
On his Patreon, Damien Echols published an article called The Shadow Fed by Light: How Magick Can Inflate the Ego. This phenomenon is often called spiritual ego. "power—real power—doesn’t just amplify the sacred. It amplifies everything" "Magick doesn’t discriminate. It’s not a moral force. It’s a tool. And when you pull in chi, or spiritus, or call down a planetary current, it doesn’t just fill the parts of you that you want to grow. It fills all of you. Every chamber. Every crack." "The energy doesn’t lie. It just flows. And if you’re not aware of the structures it’s pouring into, you may be reinforcing the very illusions you’re trying to transcend." "You’ll notice this in subtle ways at first. A little more self-importance. A sharper edge to your online posts. The creeping belief that you’re further along than others." "No one makes it far in magick without eventually encountering this shadow. And the ones who do make it far? They’re the ones who learn to bow. Not to external gods, but to the Work itself. They understand that the more power you channel, the more responsibility you carry—not just in the world, but within yourself." "That’s why grounding practices—zazen, martial arts, daily service, kaizen—aren’t optional." "And more than anything, that’s why watching yourself is part of the path. Notice your tone. Your impulse to correct. The part of you that feels insulted when someone doesn’t recognize your insight. These aren’t flaws to be ashamed of—they’re signals. They show you where the energy is leaking into ego instead of soul." "The more energy you gather, the more discipline you need to hold it. And not just discipline of action, but discipline of identity. Because if you let the ego grab hold of the power, it’ll hijack the whole operation. You’ll still be practicing. You’ll still be invoking. But you’ll be doing it for the wrong self."
Judgment
Judging ourselves and others is often related to binary thinking of right or wrong, good or bad. As long as we judge ourselves for our mistakes, we also judge others. Fear of judgment is holding us back. "One kind of life-alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don't act in harmony with our values." – Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication "Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment." – Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication
Punishment
A society that reponds to failures in the form of blame and punishment leads to a high amount of fear of punishment and thus denying mistakes instead of taking responsibility. "It does not surprise me to hear that there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as 'good' or 'bad' and believe that the 'bad' ones deserve to be punished." – Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication "I believe it is in everyone's interest that people change, not in order to avoid punishment, but because they see the change as benefiting themselves." – Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication
Article: Damien Echols on the Philosopher's Stone
On his Patreon, Damien Echols published an article called What is the Philosopher's Stone?. It is about how The Philosopher’s Stone, a legendary symbol in Western esotericism, is not a physical object. It is presence itself: a crystallized state of conscious awareness in the present moment. Damien writes about how in medieval alchemy, the Philosopher’s Stone was believed to transmute lead into gold, heal all disease, grant immortality, illuminate the soul, and unite all opposites. And then he reveals that the Stone isn't what most people believe: "The Stone isn’t found in a flask or forged in a furnace. The Stone is presence." "It’s what happens when your awareness crystallizes. When your consciousness becomes so rooted in the moment, so refined by practice and discipline, that it no longer breaks apart under pressure. When it stops being scattered across past and future, and settles completely—entirely—into now." Damien goes on to explain how all the believed powers of the Stone are a metaphor for presence. "But here's the truth: you don’t need a laboratory to perform transmutation. You only need attention. Focused, disciplined, unwavering presence." "Sit with your anger without flinching, and it becomes insight. Sit with your grief long enough, and it ripens into compassion.
Book: Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life
This book by Marshall B. Rosenberg describes Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as philosophy and method. Nonviolent Communication is a process with the goal to focus our attention on four pieces of information: "First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life?" "The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation–to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don't like." "Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated?"
Safe(r) Space
A Safe Space is a space where the goal is for people to feel safe, respected, and free from fear of violence or judgment. It provides a protected environment that fosters openness, vulnerability, and mutual understanding. It is also often referred to as a Safer Space to emphasize that no space is completely free from violence and discrimination–and to show the intention to make the space progressively safer over time. See also: Brave(r) Space The safer we feel in a space, the freer and more vulnerable we can be there. For us, conflicts usually show how safe we feel in a space: when harm occurs, we strive for all involved to take responsibility, learn from the situation, and find ways to interact with more understanding and compassion in the future. If this does not happen, if conflicts are swept under the rug, it can result in the space feeling less safe. We share less of what’s going on inside us because we fear further hurt. For us, there are three ways to handle such situations: - Conflict Resolution: The attempt to repair, resolve conflicts, and create a space where all involved feel safer again. - Adaptation: If this doesn’t work (e.g., because involved parties are unwilling to engage in conflict resolution at the moment), we need to adjust our behavior. We show ourselves less freely and vulnerably to prevent hurt. - Distance: We decide whether to continue staying in a space or if we would have to adapt so much that it makes more sense to keep our distance for the time being.
Violence
Many societal problems are based on disagreement about what counts as violence. Physical violence is easier to recognize than psychological violence. "It does not surprise me to hear that there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as 'good' or 'bad' and believe that the 'bad' ones deserve to be punished." – Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication
August 16, 2025
3 updates
Love Journaling
As part of my morning routine I started doing gratitude journaling more regularly. Pia inspired me to do this practice at the beginning of 2024 (based on a post by Lida Pavlova), but I hadn't found the right way to integrate it into my daily life until earlier this year. Now, I keep a notebook dedicated to this next to my bedside, and I try to fill a page after waking up. Usually, I start sentences like this: - "I'm grateful for..."
Love
"The word 'love' is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists of love acknowledge that we would all love better if we used it as a verb." – bell hooks in All About Love "To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility." – bell hooks in All About Love
Gratitude Journaling
Gratitude journaling is a type of journaling that focuses on regularly writing down things we’re thankful for. By noticing and recording even small moments of joy, connection, or beauty, we train our attention toward what’s working rather than what’s lacking. Over time, this light work practice can shift our perception and deepen appreciation for everyday life. On a sheet of paper, write down things you're grateful for, starting sentences like this: - "I love..." - "I love, when..." - "I'm grateful for..." - "I'm grateful, that..." We recommend using explicit examples that help really feel the gratitude. For example, instead of "I love nature" you could write down "I love how the forest smells on a beautiful summer day." - Medium: Gratitude journaling can be used as part of a larger journaling practice (for example in Life Beyond Suffering) or in a dedicated space. We both use a dedicated journal for gratitude.