Updates
A chronological view of all updates and changes to tender.garden.
August 20, 2025
13 updates
Emergent Strategy
Emergent strategy is a way of approaching change that draws from nature’s patterns—focusing on adaptability, interconnection, and small actions that ripple into larger transformations. We discovered the term in adrienne maree brown's book Emergent Strategy. "Emergence emphasizes critical connections over critical mass, building authentic relationships, listening with all the senses of the body and the mind." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "Emergent strategy is how we intentionally change in ways that grow our capacity to embody the just and liberated worlds we long for." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy adrienne maree brown provides the following principles: - Small is good, small is all. (The large is a reflection of the small.) - Change is constant. (Be like water.) - There is always enough time for the right work.
Resilience
"You build resilience by exposing yourself to discomfort on purpose. Cold water. Hard workouts. Difficult conversations." – Damien Echols in The Warrior's Mind
Attachment
Attachment means trying to control things the way they currently are (or our idea of how they should be). The practice of non-attachment means gradually letting go of desire, expectations, and idealization. "Attachment is essentially a refusal to come to terms with change, it’s an attempt to keep things the same or under your power." – Yung Pueblo in What Love Isn't
Spiritual Ego
Spiritual Ego is the phenomenon when spiritual practice and the power that comes with it inflates the ego. "The energy doesn’t lie. It just flows. And if you’re not aware of the structures it’s pouring into, you may be reinforcing the very illusions you’re trying to transcend." – Damien Echols in The Shadow Fed by Light Shadow Work helps integrate these aspects of the self.
Article: Damien Echols on the Great Work
On his Patreon, Damien Echols published an article called What is the Great Work?. "The Great Work is the purpose of your life. It’s why you’re here." "The Great Work is the process of remembering who and what you really are, and then living as that." Damien explains the phrase Solve et Coagula: "They represent the stages of breaking down the false self and reassembling the soul around something real." Solve: "In the early stages of the Great Work, everything begins with “solve.” You dissolve your old identities, your illusions, your wounds, and the programming you inherited from culture, family, and trauma." "Not all at once—but slowly, layer by layer." "This stage can feel like death." Coagula: "The second half of the formula is “coagula”—reassembly. Once you’ve burned away the dross, you begin to consciously, deliberately rebuild yourself."
Article: Jessica Daylover on Responsibility Mapping
On the Remodeled Love Patreon, Jessica Daylover writes about the concept Responsibility Mapping. "It’s called Responsibility Mapping—learning to take the right amount of responsibility in a situation. Not more. Not less." In the article, Jes talks about her conflict patterns of taking responsibility. Taking on too much ("pay the whole bill") as a child, then doing the opposite as an adult, ("I centered myself as the victim, martyred myself at every opportunity"), which led to relationship ruptures and her trying to overcorrect again. "If I take more than my share, maybe things will be safer." A therapist among her Instagram followers pointed out the concept Responsibility Mapping, mentioning how this also has an effect on each involved person's opportunity to grow during conflict: "When you take too little responsibility, you rob yourself of growth. When you take too much, you rob someone else of growth." Jes reflects on how she's currently trying to find the right balance, which can also lead to grief when others don't take their share of responsibility: "These days, I’m practicing only paying my portion of the bill. No more, no less. And then sitting in whatever comes next—which is often grief. Grief when others can’t or won’t look at the bill with you. Grief when they don’t come back to the table at all." She also mentions specific challenges as a content creator and the need to have trusted people who are willing to hold you accountable:
Book: Paths to God
Paths to God: Living the Bhagavad Gita by Ram Dass is a spiritual guide that bridges Eastern philosophy and Western thought, offering accessible reflections on the Bhagavad Gita for those seeking spiritual depth, personal growth, and a deeper connection to the divine. On finding your way, trusting what draws you, letting go, and staying open to the next step: "It doesn't really matter which next thing you do, because whatever it is, it will become your next teaching. And it isn't the thing you do that matters, anyway–it's who it is that's doing it, where it's coming from in you." "Don't be afraid to change when your intuitive wisdom tells you to. You start a sadhana, and you go into it with total commitment, and you drink deeply of it. But then you begin to experience its limitations for you." "Work with whatever it is that's drawing you at the moment." "At one moment, You'll sit by the river, and you'll look at a rock, and you'll feel its sacredness, and that will take you out of yourself. At another moment, nature won't do it for you, but something else will." "At one moment, one form feels comfortable, right, useful; at another moment, another form. Just keep flowing in and out of the forms. Use them and then drop them. They aren't 'it.' The point isn't to cling to one practice or another, one teacher or another; the point is to use whatever can in this moment open you to living spirit." "We keep thinking that we have to get behind ourselves and push, when all the time we are actually being propelled full speed ahead." On mantra: "The word 'mantra' means 'mind-protecting.' A mantra is something that protects the mind from itself, really, by giving it some fodder other than the thinking process."
Conflict Resolution
From being against each other to being with each other. Successful conflict resolution strengthens trust that future conflicts can also be resolved well.
Conflict Update June 2025
Over the past few months, my training as a mediator has led me to dive deep into the topic of conflict resolution. And I had to realize: I thought it would be so simple. When I first discovered the potential of conflict resolution a few years ago and began exploring it more deeply, I truly believed things would only get better from there. I saw how much it helped Pia and me to speak more openly in our relationship. And I thought I could apply that same approach to all my other relationships. This kicked off a painful learning process. I began to understand more clearly that I’m still far from where I want to be. Just because I have theoretical ideas about how to deal with conflict doesn’t mean I can put them into practice. What’s become increasingly clear to me is that every conflict and every relationship is different and comes with its own unique challenges. And that I’m still far from being the kind of communicator I want to be when things get tough. This often led to mutual hurt and feelings of powerlessness. The topic of responsibility has become more and more central to me in recent months.
Collective Liberation
"Nobody's free until everybody's free." – Fannie Lou Hamer The term collective liberation describes the notion that everyone suffers under oppressive structures. Contributing to liberation means taking responsibility in different areas of life. For example, it is important to find the right balance in the type of work: - Shadow Work: Actively work on recognizing and dismantling oppressive power structures. - Light Work: Actively work on building a world based on mutual trust and care. "Nobody's free until everybody's free." – Fannie Lou Hamer "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly."
Shadow Work
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate." – Carl Jung Shadow work describes the process of examining and integrating the hidden shadow parts of ourselves. It is about making unconscious patterns conscious, and integrating them so that we don't get controlled by aspects of ourselves that we deny. While shadow work is often used for individuals, there are also a lot of hidden and subconscious aspects in society as a whole. Carl Jung used the term collective unconscious. As above so below means that the collective shadow influences the shadow of human individuals, and vice versa. By working on recognizing our own subconscious patterns, we also help breaking patterns at the collective level.
Book: Existential Kink
Existential Kink is a shadow integration technique that was popularized by Carolyn Lovewell. In her book Existential Kink: Unmask Your Shadow and Embrace Your Power a Method for Getting What You Want by Getting Off on What You Don't, she offers a variety of stories and exercises that show how readers can not only learn about and accept, but even embrace their hidden desires. "This book presents a life-altering shadow integration meditative practice that invites us to make conscious the unconscious pleasure that we take in the stuck, painful patterns of our lives. Through consciously enjoying and giving approval to these previously unconscious 'gulity pleasures,' we interrupt and end the stuck patterns so that we can get what we really want in our lives." "As long as we have unconscious (repressed, denied, disowned) enjoyment in some 'bad' thing in our lives, we will keep seeking out that very same 'bad' thing." In the book, Carolyn often references this quote attributed by Carl Jung: "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate." – Carl Jung As long as we don't accept our hidden patterns, we are going to repeat them over and over again. History repeats itself. In Existential Kink, Carolyn gives many exercises that help with the process of making the unconscious conscious. - Deepest Fear Inventory
Deepest Fear Inventory
Deepest Fear Inventory is a stream of consciousness writing exercise popularized by Carolyn Lovewell in her book Existential Kink. The goal of this exercise is to: - Write down all fears that are currently holding you back from making a specific change in your life - Accept these fears by speaking them out loud - Letting go by tearing the sheet of paper to pieces On a sheet of paper, write something like: "Dear Universe, I refuse to have/do [add your desire]" Then write down a liste of bullet points with everything that could be holding you back: - "because I have deep fear that I..." - "because I have deep fear that I..."
August 19, 2025
5 updates
Book: Everyday Utopia
Everyday Utopia: In Praise of Radical Alternatives to the Traditional Family Home is a book on Utopianism by Kristen Ghodsee. "By studying the history of social dreams, we can reject the bad bits and keep the good: challenging ourselves to explore alternatives for how we live, love, own our things, choose our families, and raise children." "The German sociologist Karl Mannheim argued that utopia was a necessary antidote to what he considered the normative role of 'ideology,' a term he specifically defined as the unseen but omnipresent social, cultural, and philosophical structure that upholds a particular 'order of things' and protects those who wield political and economic power." "Those who benefit from the way things are have a strong motive for labeling as 'utopian' any ideas that threaten the status quo. But even beyond that, those steeped in the ideology of their current existence cannot imagine an alternative to it. And most of us follow along." "We accept the way things are because we've never known them. Behavioral economists call this the 'status quo bias.' People prefer things to stay the same so they don't have to take responsibility for decisions that might potentially change things for the worse." "This is why utopian visions of how to build a different future often follow moments of great social upheaval. Ordinary people find themselves unmoored from the realities they once believed to be fixed and immutable–the 'order of things' is disturbed." "We have to fight against our own deeply ingrained status quo bias and control the normal defense mechanisms of cynicism and apathy because without social dreaming, progress becomes impossible." "Tell everyone that the future will be radiant and beautiful. Love it, strive toward it, work for it, bring it nearer, transfer into the present as much as you can from it.” – Nikolai Chernyshevsky
Future
How much time do we spend thinking about the future, how much of it is based on fear and anxiety, how much of it is based on hope? Here are a few light work methods to help imagine a better future: - Affirmations and future journaling - Utopianism "I know that we are co-creating the future with each word, each action, and with our attention." – adrienne maree brown in We Will Not Cancel Us "There are a million paths into the future, and many of them can be transformative for the whole." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "Tell everyone that the future will be radiant and beautiful. Love it, strive toward it, work for it, bring it nearer, transfer into the present as much as you can from it.” – Nikolai Chernyshevsky
Imagination
Growing our capacity to imagine how life and the world could be is a light work technique that cultivates hope. - Visualization techniques, e.g utopianism - Affirmations
Utopianism
Utopianism is a light work technique with the goal to envision a better future where humans live together in a healthy, sustainable way. It stretches our muscles of imagination and allows us to step outside of our current systems and thought patterns. How does the human organism live together in the future? How do people spend their lives together, how are they organized? How do members of the society see themselves?
Talking About Dreams
It’s summer 2020, Pia and I are meeting for the second time. We’re sitting on a wall in the park. She tells me that a lot is going on for her, that she feels overwhelmed but at the same time deeply inspired. That for the first time it feels like she has a real vision of the future: living together with her closest people in one house and sharing life as a community. This vision partly came from watching a series called Tales of the City, which shows queer people of different ages living together as a community on a larger property. And something clicked inside me. After burnout and the end of a long relationship in 2019, I was floating a bit. I felt like I had fallen behind on the traditional path of life, that I had to start again from scratch and walk the classic nuclear-family road: relationship–moving in together–children–house. Even though I had often felt lonely in my “previous life,” it still seemed like the only imaginable way forward. Pia’s ideas about the future inspired me and continue to shape my everyday life and philosophy to this day. That’s how powerful inspiration can be. <Image src="/img/2024-04-11-imagination.jpg" width="1280" height="1036" size="large"
August 18, 2025
2 updates
Compassion
Compassion is an important ingredient in conflict resolution because it allows us to take things less personally.
Love
"The word 'love' is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists of love acknowledge that we would all love better if we used it as a verb." – bell hooks in All About Love "To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility." – bell hooks in All About Love