Updates
A chronological view of all updates and changes to tender.garden.
August 21, 2025
5 updates
Othering
Othering means focusing on our differences instead of what connects us. Instead of seeing the whole of humanity as an organism with the potential to collaborate with each other, it draws artificial lines between us and them. - Any type of discrimination - A focus on the nuclear family instead of the greater collective and community - Love stories based on "us against the rest of the world" - Finding a common enemy to bring together a group of people
Transmutation
Transmutation describes the process of transforming how we feel by letting our emotions flow.
Arrival Fallacy
The "Arrival Fallacy" describes the human tendency to believe that we will be happy once we reach a certain goal in the future. Usually, the (conscious or unconscious) thought process goes like this: - "When I finally own a house, I will..." - "When I live in a loving community, I will..." - "When I have enough impact as an activist, I will..." People tend to overestimate the positive effects of reaching goals and underestimate other factors on their happiness and mental health. This is also known as impact bias. Reaching a goal that has been seen as a long awaited final destination can even lead to a sense of emptiness once the initial joy has passed. To overcome this, the previous goal is often replaced with a new one. This can result in a cycle of chasing goal after goal, without questioning what would be needed for fulfillment in the present moment.
Talking About Dreams
It’s summer 2020, Pia and I are meeting for the second time. We’re sitting on a wall in the park. She tells me that a lot is going on for her, that she feels overwhelmed but at the same time deeply inspired. That for the first time it feels like she has a real vision of the future: living together with her closest people in one house and sharing life as a community. This vision partly came from watching a series called Tales of the City, which shows queer people of different ages living together as a community on a larger property. And something clicked inside me. After burnout and the end of a long relationship in 2019, I was floating a bit. I felt like I had fallen behind on the traditional path of life, that I had to start again from scratch and walk the classic nuclear-family road: relationship–moving in together–children–house. Even though I had often felt lonely in my “previous life,” it still seemed like the only imaginable way forward. Pia’s ideas about the future inspired me and continue to shape my everyday life and philosophy to this day. That’s how powerful inspiration can be. <Image src="/img/2024-04-11-imagination.jpg" width="1280" height="1036" size="large"
Arriving Within Myself
Last week, I wrote about anxiety and how I sometimes find it difficult to write authentically without worrying about what others might think. This is a theme that accompanies me in many areas of life. In relationships, as a host, in public, professionally, creatively... I often constantly monitor how people are doing and what impact my behavior (or lack thereof) might have on them. Over the past two years, I've been exploring the topic of people pleasing and will write more about it in the future. In short: It's hard for me to bear when people around me are not doing well, and I quickly slip into the mode of wanting to manage their emotions to then feel better myself. This is often accompanied by assumptions that I've done something wrong and must fix it immediately to make things right again. This leads me to overextend myself without being asked, which eventually results in escalation when I don't feel supported to the same extent (also without being asked). A downward spiral. To counteract this, I've tried to find ways to arrive back at myself. To move out of other people's heads and back into my own mind and body. Not monitoring others, but discovering what I actually feel, what moves me, and what I need. For a long time, I saw being alone as something negative, something involuntary. Only in recent years have I realized how incredibly helpful it is for me simply to be with myself, away from external influences. In Die Freiheit allein zu sein (German book, The freedom to be alone), Sarah Diehl describes the difference between loneliness and solitude. That solitude can help us experience the world and ourselves as authentically as possible. I highly recommend this book. “Solitude is not (just) the absence of someone or something else, but the presence of my undisturbed perception.” – Sarah Diehl Through solitude, sometimes things that I have unconsciously carried with me for a long time can sort themselves out. Like a ball of yarn with knots that need time and quiet to untangle.
August 20, 2025
15 updates
Trust
"If you trust the people, they become trustworthy." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "Move at the speed of trust. Focus on critical connections more than critical mass–build the resilience by building the relationships." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy
Attention
External attention (like feeling desired, admired...) can lead to spiritual ego. It's important to not confuse this type of attention with connection. "What you pay attention to grows." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers." – ThĂch Nhất Hạnh - Gratitude Journaling - Awe Walk
Book: Connect
"Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends & Colleagues" is a book by Carole Robin and David Bradford based on a Stanford MBA course that the authors teach. Carole and David provide actionable advice and stories about exceptional relationships, which they describe as: "you feel seen, known, and appreciated for who you really are, not an edited version of yourself" "think of exceptional relationships as living, breathing organisms that are always changing, always in need of tending, and always always capable of taking your breath away" "When your interactions with another person are at their most authentic, there is a paradigm shift." - "You can be more fully yourself, and so can the other person" - "Both of you are willing to be vulnerable" - "You trust that self-disclosures will not be used against you" - "You can be honest with each other" - "You deal with conflict productively"
Book: Emergent Strategy
Emergent Strategy by adrienne maree brown explores change and organizing with principles inspired by nature and science fiction, especially the writings of Octavia Butler. Learn more about the concept here: Emergent Strategy. "Emergence emphasizes critical connections over critical mass, building authentic relationships, listening with all the senses of the body and the mind." "Emergent strategy is how we intentionally change in ways that grow our capacity to embody the just and liberated worlds we long for." "There are a million paths into the future, and many of them can be transformative for the whole." adrienne maree brown provides the following principles: - Small is good, small is all. (The large is a reflection of the small.) - Change is constant. (Be like water.) - There is always enough time for the right work. - There is a conversation in the room that only these people at this moment can have. Find it.
Emergent Strategy
Emergent strategy is a way of approaching change that draws from nature’s patterns—focusing on adaptability, interconnection, and small actions that ripple into larger transformations. We discovered the term in adrienne maree brown's book Emergent Strategy. "Emergence emphasizes critical connections over critical mass, building authentic relationships, listening with all the senses of the body and the mind." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "Emergent strategy is how we intentionally change in ways that grow our capacity to embody the just and liberated worlds we long for." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy adrienne maree brown provides the following principles: - Small is good, small is all. (The large is a reflection of the small.) - Change is constant. (Be like water.) - There is always enough time for the right work.
Resilience
"You build resilience by exposing yourself to discomfort on purpose. Cold water. Hard workouts. Difficult conversations." – Damien Echols in The Warrior's Mind
Attachment
Attachment means trying to control things the way they currently are (or our idea of how they should be). The practice of non-attachment means gradually letting go of desire, expectations, and idealization. "Attachment is essentially a refusal to come to terms with change, it’s an attempt to keep things the same or under your power." – Yung Pueblo in What Love Isn't
Spiritual Ego
Spiritual Ego is the phenomenon when spiritual practice and the power that comes with it inflates the ego. "The energy doesn’t lie. It just flows. And if you’re not aware of the structures it’s pouring into, you may be reinforcing the very illusions you’re trying to transcend." – Damien Echols in The Shadow Fed by Light Shadow Work helps integrate these aspects of the self.
Article: Damien Echols on the Great Work
On his Patreon, Damien Echols published an article called What is the Great Work?. "The Great Work is the purpose of your life. It’s why you’re here." "The Great Work is the process of remembering who and what you really are, and then living as that." Damien explains the phrase Solve et Coagula: "They represent the stages of breaking down the false self and reassembling the soul around something real." Solve: "In the early stages of the Great Work, everything begins with “solve.” You dissolve your old identities, your illusions, your wounds, and the programming you inherited from culture, family, and trauma." "Not all at once—but slowly, layer by layer." "This stage can feel like death." Coagula: "The second half of the formula is “coagula”—reassembly. Once you’ve burned away the dross, you begin to consciously, deliberately rebuild yourself."
Article: Jessica Daylover on Responsibility Mapping
On the Remodeled Love Patreon, Jessica Daylover writes about the concept Responsibility Mapping. "It’s called Responsibility Mapping—learning to take the right amount of responsibility in a situation. Not more. Not less." In the article, Jes talks about her conflict patterns of taking responsibility. Taking on too much ("pay the whole bill") as a child, then doing the opposite as an adult, ("I centered myself as the victim, martyred myself at every opportunity"), which led to relationship ruptures and her trying to overcorrect again. "If I take more than my share, maybe things will be safer." A therapist among her Instagram followers pointed out the concept Responsibility Mapping, mentioning how this also has an effect on each involved person's opportunity to grow during conflict: "When you take too little responsibility, you rob yourself of growth. When you take too much, you rob someone else of growth." Jes reflects on how she's currently trying to find the right balance, which can also lead to grief when others don't take their share of responsibility: "These days, I’m practicing only paying my portion of the bill. No more, no less. And then sitting in whatever comes next—which is often grief. Grief when others can’t or won’t look at the bill with you. Grief when they don’t come back to the table at all." She also mentions specific challenges as a content creator and the need to have trusted people who are willing to hold you accountable:
Book: Paths to God
Paths to God: Living the Bhagavad Gita by Ram Dass is a spiritual guide that bridges Eastern philosophy and Western thought, offering accessible reflections on the Bhagavad Gita for those seeking spiritual depth, personal growth, and a deeper connection to the divine. On finding your way, trusting what draws you, letting go, and staying open to the next step: "It doesn't really matter which next thing you do, because whatever it is, it will become your next teaching. And it isn't the thing you do that matters, anyway–it's who it is that's doing it, where it's coming from in you." "Don't be afraid to change when your intuitive wisdom tells you to. You start a sadhana, and you go into it with total commitment, and you drink deeply of it. But then you begin to experience its limitations for you." "Work with whatever it is that's drawing you at the moment." "At one moment, You'll sit by the river, and you'll look at a rock, and you'll feel its sacredness, and that will take you out of yourself. At another moment, nature won't do it for you, but something else will." "At one moment, one form feels comfortable, right, useful; at another moment, another form. Just keep flowing in and out of the forms. Use them and then drop them. They aren't 'it.' The point isn't to cling to one practice or another, one teacher or another; the point is to use whatever can in this moment open you to living spirit." "We keep thinking that we have to get behind ourselves and push, when all the time we are actually being propelled full speed ahead." On mantra: "The word 'mantra' means 'mind-protecting.' A mantra is something that protects the mind from itself, really, by giving it some fodder other than the thinking process."
Conflict Resolution
From being against each other to being with each other. Successful conflict resolution strengthens trust that future conflicts can also be resolved well.
Conflict Update June 2025
Over the past few months, my training as a mediator has led me to dive deep into the topic of conflict resolution. And I had to realize: I thought it would be so simple. When I first discovered the potential of conflict resolution a few years ago and began exploring it more deeply, I truly believed things would only get better from there. I saw how much it helped Pia and me to speak more openly in our relationship. And I thought I could apply that same approach to all my other relationships. This kicked off a painful learning process. I began to understand more clearly that I’m still far from where I want to be. Just because I have theoretical ideas about how to deal with conflict doesn’t mean I can put them into practice. What’s become increasingly clear to me is that every conflict and every relationship is different and comes with its own unique challenges. And that I’m still far from being the kind of communicator I want to be when things get tough. This often led to mutual hurt and feelings of powerlessness. The topic of responsibility has become more and more central to me in recent months.
Collective Liberation
"Nobody's free until everybody's free." – Fannie Lou Hamer The term collective liberation describes the notion that everyone suffers under oppressive structures. Contributing to liberation means taking responsibility in different areas of life. For example, it is important to find the right balance in the type of work: - Shadow Work: Actively work on recognizing and dismantling oppressive power structures. - Light Work: Actively work on building a world based on mutual trust and care. "Nobody's free until everybody's free." – Fannie Lou Hamer "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly."
Shadow Work
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate." – Carl Jung Shadow work describes the process of examining and integrating the hidden shadow parts of ourselves. It is about making unconscious patterns conscious, and integrating them so that we don't get controlled by aspects of ourselves that we deny. While shadow work is often used for individuals, there are also a lot of hidden and subconscious aspects in society as a whole. Carl Jung used the term collective unconscious. As above so below means that the collective shadow influences the shadow of human individuals, and vice versa. By working on recognizing our own subconscious patterns, we also help breaking patterns at the collective level.