Updates
A chronological view of all updates and changes to tender.garden.
June 1, 2025
4 updates
Book: Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life
This book by Marshall B. Rosenberg describes Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as philosophy and method. Nonviolent Communication is a process with the goal to focus our attention on four pieces of information: "First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life?" "The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation–to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don't like." "Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated?"
Conflict Resolution
From being against each other to being with each other. Successful conflict resolution strengthens trust that future conflicts can also be resolved well.
Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication (also NVC) is a philosophy developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. Its goal is to raise awareness of how violence can be conveyed through language, often leading to unproductive conflict resolution. NVC is based on a process consisting of four steps: - Observations: What do I see or hear, without evaluating it? - Feelings: What do I feel in this situation? - Needs: What human need is behind this feeling? - Requests: What specific action would I like from the other person?
Conflict Update June 2025
Over the past few months, my training as a mediator has led me to dive deep into the topic of conflict resolution. And I had to realize: I thought it would be so simple. When I first discovered the potential of conflict resolution a few years ago and began exploring it more deeply, I truly believed things would only get better from there. I saw how much it helped Pia and me to speak more openly in our relationship. And I thought I could apply that same approach to all my other relationships. This kicked off a painful learning process. I began to understand more clearly that I’m still far from where I want to be. Just because I have theoretical ideas about how to deal with conflict doesn’t mean I can put them into practice. What’s become increasingly clear to me is that every conflict and every relationship is different and comes with its own unique challenges. And that I’m still far from being the kind of communicator I want to be when things get tough. This often led to mutual hurt and feelings of powerlessness. The topic of responsibility has become more and more central to me in recent months.
May 29, 2025
9 updates
Anger
We understand anger as an emotion that reveals underlying feelings such as pain and grief. Anger shows us that something is wrong, that we feel unseen, misunderstood, or powerless. It can also be a productive emotion, an "enough is enough" that empowers us to stand up and speak out. Anger can also lead to striking back, to more violence affecting the human organism. We strive to avoid directing our anger at individuals, and instead focus it against violent societal structures. Writing techniques like journaling and stream of consciousness writing can help with anger in various ways: - Release: It can be helpful to just let our angry voices out–without judging ourselves for them. After writing everything down, tearing up the paper can serve as an additional symbolic act of release, as explained in this post: - Need: We have found it immensely helpful to connect to the underlying need beneath the anger. Verbalizing this need has often even caused the anger to vanish at that moment, transforming into compassion. Prompt: What is the underlying need behind this emotion? - Gratitude: Gratitude journaling is a powerful tool for shifting the attention away from anger. To avoid suppressing the emotion, we recommend practicing gratitude after a first release. Being present with anger–really sitting with the emotion and giving it attention–can be a powerful act of transmutation. Where do I feel it? What thoughts are arising? By becoming curious about the emotion, we take it less personally and begin to see it from a higher vantage point.
Blame
In conflicts, we often fall into the mode of wanting to find someone to blame at all costs. It is important to understand what led to the escalation in order to jointly find out what went "wrong" and how to interact better in the future. However, if we focus too much on assigning blame, it can lead to an endless cycle of accusations. Due to (socially learned) fear of punishment, the accused person becomes defensive and denies being at fault. The parties blame each other and do not see themselves in responsibility. It remains an adversarial dynamic, and no one takes a step toward resolution.
Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle is a psychological and social model that describes a common pattern of interaction in conflict and power dynamics. It consists of three roles that people unconsciously slip into: - Victim: Feels powerless, oppressed, or helpless. Often seeks rescue or validation but resists responsibility or solutions. - Rescuer: Rushes in to help, often unasked. Seeks to “save” others, which can create dependence and deny others their agency. - Perpetrator: Exerts control through criticism, blame, or aggression. Often justifies behavior through perceived injustice or frustration. People often shift between roles within a single interaction or over time, reinforcing a cycle of dysfunction. We're not really fans of the terms victim and perpetrator and are currently looking for alternatives. There are solutions using person harmed and harm doer (or person who caused harm). We're currently not sure if this properly reflects the dynamics referenced in the Drama Triangle framework the way we understand it. We like the concept of responsibility mapping because it doesn't put people into categories like victim or rescuer, while still offering a framework to reflect on the amount of responsibility we're taking in a relationship or conflict. Here's an attempt to merge both concepts: <Image
Finger Pointing
Why does society so often focus more on the people pointing out problems than on the problems themselves? We want to take responsibility in the following ways: - Separate the problem from how it is communicated: The problem exists, even if the way it is pointed out feels uncomfortable to us at that moment. We wish for affected people to be listened to and for the recognition that, due to their pain, they may not always be in a state to name problems perfectly nonviolently and without anger. We acknowledge that “perfect wording” is emotional labor, which we should not additionally burden people more affected by violence to carry. - Question our own authoritarian behaviors: In our society, there is often a focus on the question of who is at fault, who is to blame. This can lead people to enter a protective mode out of fear of punishment and perceive the expression of emotions as a personal attack or accusation. At the same time, we have ourselves been socialized authoritatively and want to observe this in our own communication. When we have the capacity, we can work on processing our anger and the underlying pain elsewhere to communicate problems more effectively.
Lightning Rod
How can we move sensitively and open heartedly through a world where violence is often normalized? The many tensions present in the human organism are often absorbed by sensitive people. This can show up as many small stings that add up and eventually lead to too much pain and overstimulation, for example through: - Unaddressed conflicts - (Passive) aggression - Acceptance of violent structures
Safe(r) Space
A Safe Space is a space where the goal is for people to feel safe, respected, and free from fear of violence or judgment. It provides a protected environment that fosters openness, vulnerability, and mutual understanding. It is also often referred to as a Safer Space to emphasize that no space is completely free from violence and discrimination–and to show the intention to make the space progressively safer over time. See also: Brave(r) Space The safer we feel in a space, the freer and more vulnerable we can be there. For us, conflicts usually show how safe we feel in a space: when harm occurs, we strive for all involved to take responsibility, learn from the situation, and find ways to interact with more understanding and compassion in the future. If this does not happen, if conflicts are swept under the rug, it can result in the space feeling less safe. We share less of what’s going on inside us because we fear further hurt. For us, there are three ways to handle such situations: - Conflict Resolution: The attempt to repair, resolve conflicts, and create a space where all involved feel safer again. - Adaptation: If this doesn’t work (e.g., because involved parties are unwilling to engage in conflict resolution at the moment), we need to adjust our behavior. We show ourselves less freely and vulnerably to prevent hurt. - Distance: We decide whether to continue staying in a space or if we would have to adapt so much that it makes more sense to keep our distance for the time being.
Violence
Many societal problems are based on disagreement about what counts as violence. Physical violence is easier to recognize than psychological violence. "It does not surprise me to hear that there is considerably less violence in cultures where people think in terms of human needs than in cultures where people label one another as 'good' or 'bad' and believe that the 'bad' ones deserve to be punished." – Marshall B. Rosenberg in Nonviolent Communication
Collective Liberation
"Nobody's free until everybody's free." – Fannie Lou Hamer The term collective liberation describes the notion that everyone suffers under oppressive structures. Contributing to liberation means taking responsibility in different areas of life. For example, it is important to find the right balance in the type of work: - Shadow Work: Actively work on recognizing and dismantling oppressive power structures. - Light Work: Actively work on building a world based on mutual trust and care. "Nobody's free until everybody's free." – Fannie Lou Hamer "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly."
Stream of Consciousness Writing
The technique stream of consciousness writing helps tap into the unconscious by writing down whatever comes to mind, ideally circumventing the conscious mind. The goal is to focus on just writing without questioning the content that is coming out. This technique can be beneficial for many things, including: - Processing emotions, for example writing about feelings of sadness or anger - Shadow work and communicating with the unconscious - Working on setting intentions and visions, like future journaling There are several things that can help with stream of consciousness writing: - Get into a relaxed state that lets you write without overthinking. For example, a form of meditation or embodiment practice can be used. - Set an intention before you start writing. This can either be part of the meditation or in a step right before writing, for example using prompts. - You can set a timer (e.g. 10 minutes) and try to keep writing until it goes off.
May 21, 2025
2 updates
Learning in Public
Learning in public describes the practice of openly sharing the process of learning. Instead of showing up as a teacher, the learner is documenting their reflections, mistakes and adjustments along their path. This practice enables other people to follow along the journey and learn from each other. Learning in public enables us to take responsibility by sharing how our thinking about a topic has changed. It encourages discourse. The practice of documenting our shadow work could also be called (un)learning in public.
Resentment
Resentment makes us see people with less loving eyes, it leads to the Golem effect. By choosing to address a conflict instead of sweeping it under the rug, I can take responsibility to prevent resentment from building up over time. "I delayed truth until it hardened into resentment because resentment felt safer than vulnerability. Resentment preserves power without risking rejection." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "When internal boundaries are weak or absent, resentment becomes the substitute. And resentment is dangerous because it disguises itself as moral clarity while actually being deferred responsibility. It says, you should have known, when the truth is, I didn’t say." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "For me, resentment is often closer to jealousy than to anger. It sounds like: “Well, I didn’t say anything when you did X last fall.” What I’m really saying is: I cannot hold your boundary because I cannot hold or speak my own." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness
May 19, 2025
2 updates
Journaling
Journaling can be a helpful practice for recognizing patterns. - Finding the right medium: Try out different methods to see which one presents the least resistance and is most sustainable in the long term. Do I prefer writing by hand in a notebook, typing on my phone or laptop (e.g., using a tool like Obsidian), or does it work better for me to express my thoughts and emotions through drawings or voice memos? - Structured data: It can be helpful to track some things in a more structured way. For example: What was the weather like that day? What did I consume? What rituals did I perform? - Perspective and depth: Your perspective can evolve over time. What might start as "What did I do that day?" (external view) can deepen into "What was on my mind that day?" (internal view). - States of consciousness: Through which different states did I go? How much was I present, how much did I spend in other time states? There are different types of journaling, for example: - Free-form, for example using stream of consciousness writing - Guided, for example using prompts - Focused on a certain topic, for example gratitude journaling
Time
For us, it is helpful to think of time as a state of consciousness. - Past: Thinking about and visualizing past experiences. - Present/Presence: Being in the here and now. - Future: Visualizing a time in the future. We suggest to observe the amount of time we spend in each of these states. Am I spending a majority of the time pondering in the past? Am I focused too much on the future, neglecting the present moment?