Updates
A chronological view of all updates and changes to tender.garden.
June 2, 2025
9 updates
Book: Paths to God
Paths to God: Living the Bhagavad Gita by Ram Dass is a spiritual guide that bridges Eastern philosophy and Western thought, offering accessible reflections on the Bhagavad Gita for those seeking spiritual depth, personal growth, and a deeper connection to the divine. On finding your way, trusting what draws you, letting go, and staying open to the next step: "It doesn't really matter which next thing you do, because whatever it is, it will become your next teaching. And it isn't the thing you do that matters, anyway–it's who it is that's doing it, where it's coming from in you." "Don't be afraid to change when your intuitive wisdom tells you to. You start a sadhana, and you go into it with total commitment, and you drink deeply of it. But then you begin to experience its limitations for you." "Work with whatever it is that's drawing you at the moment." "At one moment, You'll sit by the river, and you'll look at a rock, and you'll feel its sacredness, and that will take you out of yourself. At another moment, nature won't do it for you, but something else will." "At one moment, one form feels comfortable, right, useful; at another moment, another form. Just keep flowing in and out of the forms. Use them and then drop them. They aren't 'it.' The point isn't to cling to one practice or another, one teacher or another; the point is to use whatever can in this moment open you to living spirit." "We keep thinking that we have to get behind ourselves and push, when all the time we are actually being propelled full speed ahead." On mantra: "The word 'mantra' means 'mind-protecting.' A mantra is something that protects the mind from itself, really, by giving it some fodder other than the thinking process."
Idle Mode
Idle Mode can be a helpful practice when other forms of meditation feel a bit forced and structured. It can help take the pressure off. This practice helps you give yourself permission to do nothing and let your thoughts wander freely. A notebook can assist by allowing you to write down your thoughts and process whatever arises during the experience. In this way, the method is also a form of stream of consciousness writing. - Make yourself comfortable, for example with soothing music and pleasant lighting. Have a notebook and pen ready. - Sit or lie down in a comfortable position and do nothing. Just let your thoughts wander. Stare at the ceiling. - Try to tolerate boredom when it arises. Resist the urge to check your phone. - When thoughts come up, write them down without judging them too much.
Meditation
Meditation is about taking time to slow down, be present, and listen to what's going on inside and around us.
Meditation Break
Somehow, my meditation practice hasn’t been working as well over the past few weeks. I’ve still regularly set a timer for 5-15 minutes and meditated, and I would still say it helps me come back to myself each time. But it no longer had the effect I was used to in the months before. It felt more mechanical; I wasn’t as present anymore. Especially during the 10 days I was sick, I noticed: - More structured exercises involving a lot of visualization felt exhausting and left me drained - The awakening in meditation (realizing I had drifted away) had much less impact and didn’t really help break thought loops On Saturday, I decided: That’s it, no meditation today. To recover better, I committed to looking at screens as little as possible and to not working. No laptop, just occasionally checking notifications on my phone. And it was really nice. I lay on the bed for hours, listened to soothing music in the background, and just stared at the ceiling, letting my thoughts wander. I was simply in idle mode. To avoid getting stuck in mental circles, I had a notebook next to me where I occasionally wrote down a sentence that came to mind. You could actually see it as a kind of stream of consciousness writing. That really helped. I felt like many thoughts just needed permission to flow through my system to be released. The decision to not meditate surprisingly dissolved many thought loops. Afterward, I felt lighter and clearer.
Conflict Update June 2025
Over the past few months, my training as a mediator has led me to dive deep into the topic of conflict resolution. And I had to realize: I thought it would be so simple. When I first discovered the potential of conflict resolution a few years ago and began exploring it more deeply, I truly believed things would only get better from there. I saw how much it helped Pia and me to speak more openly in our relationship. And I thought I could apply that same approach to all my other relationships. This kicked off a painful learning process. I began to understand more clearly that I’m still far from where I want to be. Just because I have theoretical ideas about how to deal with conflict doesn’t mean I can put them into practice. What’s become increasingly clear to me is that every conflict and every relationship is different and comes with its own unique challenges. And that I’m still far from being the kind of communicator I want to be when things get tough. This often led to mutual hurt and feelings of powerlessness. The topic of responsibility has become more and more central to me in recent months.
Lightning Rod
How can we move sensitively and open heartedly through a world where violence is often normalized? The many tensions present in the human organism are often absorbed by sensitive people. This can show up as many small stings that add up and eventually lead to too much pain and overstimulation, for example through: - Unaddressed conflicts - (Passive) aggression - Acceptance of violent structures
Arrival Fallacy
The "Arrival Fallacy" describes the human tendency to believe that we will be happy once we reach a certain goal in the future. Usually, the (conscious or unconscious) thought process goes like this: - "When I finally own a house, I will..." - "When I live in a loving community, I will..." - "When I have enough impact as an activist, I will..." People tend to overestimate the positive effects of reaching goals and underestimate other factors on their happiness and mental health. This is also known as impact bias. Reaching a goal that has been seen as a long awaited final destination can even lead to a sense of emptiness once the initial joy has passed. To overcome this, the previous goal is often replaced with a new one. This can result in a cycle of chasing goal after goal, without questioning what would be needed for fulfillment in the present moment.
Awe Walk
In his book Awe, Dacher Keltner describes an exercise called the awe walk. It is a form of walking meditation with the goal to evoke and deepen the feeling of awe by embracing nature and surroundings. Go on a walk and: - Try to see your surroundings with fresh eyes (feel, hear, smell...), as if you were a child discovering the world for the first time, cultivating a childlike sense of wonder. - Take new paths and expose yourself to new stimuli. If you walk in the same location, make it a goal to discover something new each time, something you haven’t noticed before. We've also had great effects when combining the walk with singing a mantra, especially Om Dzambhala Dzalendhraye Soha. For a study, researchers sent two groups of people on regular walks over the course of eight weeks. One group was assigned to do awe walks, while the control group received no special instructions—they were simply told to walk. In Awe, Keltner highlights three effects observed in the study: - The more often people went on awe walks, the more awe they felt over time. Awe is an emotion that can be cultivated through practice and experienced more deeply with repetition. - The more awe participants experienced, the less anxiety and depression they reported in daily life. They also reported greater life satisfaction. - Participants were asked to take selfies after each walk. Over time, in the awe walk group, their faces became smaller in proportion to their surroundings in the photos, whereas this ratio remained unchanged in the control group.
Stream of Consciousness Writing
The technique stream of consciousness writing helps tap into the unconscious by writing down whatever comes to mind, ideally circumventing the conscious mind. The goal is to focus on just writing without questioning the content that is coming out. This technique can be beneficial for many things, including: - Processing emotions, for example writing about feelings of sadness or anger - Shadow work and communicating with the unconscious - Working on setting intentions and visions, like future journaling There are several things that can help with stream of consciousness writing: - Get into a relaxed state that lets you write without overthinking. For example, a form of meditation or embodiment practice can be used. - Set an intention before you start writing. This can either be part of the meditation or in a step right before writing, for example using prompts. - You can set a timer (e.g. 10 minutes) and try to keep writing until it goes off.
June 1, 2025
4 updates
Book: Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life
This book by Marshall B. Rosenberg describes Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as philosophy and method. Nonviolent Communication is a process with the goal to focus our attention on four pieces of information: "First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life?" "The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation–to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don't like." "Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated?"
Conflict Resolution
From being against each other to being with each other. Successful conflict resolution strengthens trust that future conflicts can also be resolved well.
Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent Communication (also NVC) is a philosophy developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. Its goal is to raise awareness of how violence can be conveyed through language, often leading to unproductive conflict resolution. NVC is based on a process consisting of four steps: - Observations: What do I see or hear, without evaluating it? - Feelings: What do I feel in this situation? - Needs: What human need is behind this feeling? - Requests: What specific action would I like from the other person?
Conflict Update June 2025
Over the past few months, my training as a mediator has led me to dive deep into the topic of conflict resolution. And I had to realize: I thought it would be so simple. When I first discovered the potential of conflict resolution a few years ago and began exploring it more deeply, I truly believed things would only get better from there. I saw how much it helped Pia and me to speak more openly in our relationship. And I thought I could apply that same approach to all my other relationships. This kicked off a painful learning process. I began to understand more clearly that I’m still far from where I want to be. Just because I have theoretical ideas about how to deal with conflict doesn’t mean I can put them into practice. What’s become increasingly clear to me is that every conflict and every relationship is different and comes with its own unique challenges. And that I’m still far from being the kind of communicator I want to be when things get tough. This often led to mutual hurt and feelings of powerlessness. The topic of responsibility has become more and more central to me in recent months.
May 29, 2025
6 updates
Anger
We understand anger as an emotion that reveals underlying feelings such as pain and grief. Anger shows us that something is wrong, that we feel unseen, misunderstood, or powerless. It can also be a productive emotion, an "enough is enough" that empowers us to stand up and speak out. Anger can also lead to striking back, to more violence affecting the human organism. We strive to avoid directing our anger at individuals, and instead focus it against violent societal structures. Writing techniques like journaling and stream of consciousness writing can help with anger in various ways: - Release: It can be helpful to just let our angry voices out–without judging ourselves for them. After writing everything down, tearing up the paper can serve as an additional symbolic act of release, as explained in this post: - Need: We have found it immensely helpful to connect to the underlying need beneath the anger. Verbalizing this need has often even caused the anger to vanish at that moment, transforming into compassion. Prompt: What is the underlying need behind this emotion? - Gratitude: Gratitude journaling is a powerful tool for shifting the attention away from anger. To avoid suppressing the emotion, we recommend practicing gratitude after a first release. Being present with anger–really sitting with the emotion and giving it attention–can be a powerful act of transmutation. Where do I feel it? What thoughts are arising? By becoming curious about the emotion, we take it less personally and begin to see it from a higher vantage point.
Blame
In conflicts, we often fall into the mode of wanting to find someone to blame at all costs. It is important to understand what led to the escalation in order to jointly find out what went "wrong" and how to interact better in the future. However, if we focus too much on assigning blame, it can lead to an endless cycle of accusations. Due to (socially learned) fear of punishment, the accused person becomes defensive and denies being at fault. The parties blame each other and do not see themselves in responsibility. It remains an adversarial dynamic, and no one takes a step toward resolution.
Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle is a psychological and social model that describes a common pattern of interaction in conflict and power dynamics. It consists of three roles that people unconsciously slip into: - Victim: Feels powerless, oppressed, or helpless. Often seeks rescue or validation but resists responsibility or solutions. - Rescuer: Rushes in to help, often unasked. Seeks to “save” others, which can create dependence and deny others their agency. - Perpetrator: Exerts control through criticism, blame, or aggression. Often justifies behavior through perceived injustice or frustration. People often shift between roles within a single interaction or over time, reinforcing a cycle of dysfunction. We're not really fans of the terms victim and perpetrator and are currently looking for alternatives. There are solutions using person harmed and harm doer (or person who caused harm). We're currently not sure if this properly reflects the dynamics referenced in the Drama Triangle framework the way we understand it. We like the concept of responsibility mapping because it doesn't put people into categories like victim or rescuer, while still offering a framework to reflect on the amount of responsibility we're taking in a relationship or conflict. Here's an attempt to merge both concepts: <Image
Finger Pointing
Why does society so often focus more on the people pointing out problems than on the problems themselves? We want to take responsibility in the following ways: - Separate the problem from how it is communicated: The problem exists, even if the way it is pointed out feels uncomfortable to us at that moment. We wish for affected people to be listened to and for the recognition that, due to their pain, they may not always be in a state to name problems perfectly nonviolently and without anger. We acknowledge that “perfect wording” is emotional labor, which we should not additionally burden people more affected by violence to carry. - Question our own authoritarian behaviors: In our society, there is often a focus on the question of who is at fault, who is to blame. This can lead people to enter a protective mode out of fear of punishment and perceive the expression of emotions as a personal attack or accusation. At the same time, we have ourselves been socialized authoritatively and want to observe this in our own communication. When we have the capacity, we can work on processing our anger and the underlying pain elsewhere to communicate problems more effectively.
Lightning Rod
How can we move sensitively and open heartedly through a world where violence is often normalized? The many tensions present in the human organism are often absorbed by sensitive people. This can show up as many small stings that add up and eventually lead to too much pain and overstimulation, for example through: - Unaddressed conflicts - (Passive) aggression - Acceptance of violent structures
Safe(r) Space
A Safe Space is a space where the goal is for people to feel safe, respected, and free from fear of violence or judgment. It provides a protected environment that fosters openness, vulnerability, and mutual understanding. It is also often referred to as a Safer Space to emphasize that no space is completely free from violence and discrimination–and to show the intention to make the space progressively safer over time. See also: Brave(r) Space The safer we feel in a space, the freer and more vulnerable we can be there. For us, conflicts usually show how safe we feel in a space: when harm occurs, we strive for all involved to take responsibility, learn from the situation, and find ways to interact with more understanding and compassion in the future. If this does not happen, if conflicts are swept under the rug, it can result in the space feeling less safe. We share less of what’s going on inside us because we fear further hurt. For us, there are three ways to handle such situations: - Conflict Resolution: The attempt to repair, resolve conflicts, and create a space where all involved feel safer again. - Adaptation: If this doesn’t work (e.g., because involved parties are unwilling to engage in conflict resolution at the moment), we need to adjust our behavior. We show ourselves less freely and vulnerably to prevent hurt. - Distance: We decide whether to continue staying in a space or if we would have to adapt so much that it makes more sense to keep our distance for the time being.