Updates
A chronological view of all updates and changes to tender.garden.
April 18, 2026
3 updates
Mudra
A mudra is a hand gesture or pose that is associated with a specific meaning, often in a ritualistic context. While different types of symbolic gestures can be found across cultures, the term mudra and many of its applications originated in Indian and Tibetan religions and philosophies like Hinduism and Buddhism. Mudras can be used for anchoring with the intention to get into a specific state of mind. There are different types of mudras: - Collective Mudras: A good way to get started is to use gestures that are already recognized. Many of the existing mudras have been passed on for centuries and thus charged with a lot of meaning and effectiveness. - Personal Mudras: It can also be effective to develop your own gestures and use them for specific contexts. This way, they lack the collective meaning, but can be charged with your own and increase effectiveness over time.
Anchoring
Anchoring can be a practice, tool or ritual that can bring us into a specific state. For example, es specific scent, drink, mudra or meditation can be used to get us into a productive mindset before starting a task.
Trust
A culture of building and deepening trust is a culture where repair is taken seriously. Trust as a daily practice: - Trust people (Pygmalion Effect) - Reward people for their trust in you "If you trust the people, they become trustworthy." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "Move at the speed of trust. Focus on critical connections more than critical mass–build the resilience by building the relationships." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy
April 13, 2026
2 updates
Anchoring
Anchoring can be a practice, tool or ritual that can bring us into a specific state. For example, es specific scent, drink, mudra or meditation can be used to get us into a productive mindset before starting a task.
Mental State
Our mental state has a lot of power over how we perceive the outer world and what we focus our attention on. Each state is temporary, even though it can sometimes feel like forever. It helps to recognize the current state without judging ourselves. It has helped us to work on the following elements. Each has its own set of practices, which we’ll explore below: - Awareness: Noticing our state. - Acceptance: Sitting with our state. - Shift: Reclaiming agency over our state. Meditation helps us get more aware of our mental state. The "waking up" that we practice during meditation helps us catch patterns and recognize (and control) our state more easily over time. Not trying to change our current state and sitting with the feeling in presence can lead to a big change in how much power we assert to it. Fully accepting and being with our state leads to transmutation. We can use tools to shift our attention away from our current state. However, it's important to recognize it before and not trying to suppress it. - Laughing, e.g. watching something
March 11, 2026
4 updates
Repair
Repair is the process of rebuilding and deepening trust after rupture has happened. It can involve: - Holding space for the pain - Building compassion for each other and the situation - Apologizing with sincerity - Suggesting ways how to handle situations like this in the future In conflict, we can both work on our individual healing, but without repair our bond isn't strengthened. There is not always capacity for repair, and that's okay. However, how repair was done in past situations is a key factor in how safe we feel in showing ourselves vulnerable now. - Have my requests for repair been valued and taken seriously? - If not, have they been clearly stated? Do I know what would help me?
Accountability
Accountability means taking responsibility for the impact our actions have on others and our environment as a whole. It is the practice of being present with the consequences of our choices. It’s not about blame or punishment, but about recognizing with compassion when our conscious and unconscious behavior has caused harm. And then doing the work to reflect and repair, with the intention of rebuilding trust. "Accountability is an act of (self-) love, a commitment to choose relationship over righteousness, courage over comfort." – Care in We Can't Be Abolitionist & Conflict Avoidant
Trust
A culture of building and deepening trust is a culture where repair is taken seriously. Trust as a daily practice: - Trust people (Pygmalion Effect) - Reward people for their trust in you "If you trust the people, they become trustworthy." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "Move at the speed of trust. Focus on critical connections more than critical mass–build the resilience by building the relationships." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy
Safe(r) Space
A Safe Space is a space where the goal is for people to feel safe, respected, and free from fear of violence or judgment. It provides a protected environment that fosters openness, vulnerability, and mutual understanding. It is also often referred to as a Safer Space to emphasize that no space is completely free from violence and discrimination–and to show the intention to make the space progressively safer over time. See also: Brave(r) Space The safer we feel in a space, the freer and more vulnerable we can be there. For us, conflicts usually show how safe we feel in a space: when harm occurs, we strive for all involved to take responsibility, learn from the situation, and find ways to interact with more understanding and compassion in the future. If this does not happen, if conflicts are swept under the rug, it can result in the space feeling less safe. We share less of what’s going on inside us because we fear further hurt. For us, there are three ways to handle such situations: - Conflict Resolution: The attempt to repair, resolve conflicts, and create a space where all involved feel safer again. - Adaptation: If this doesn’t work (e.g., because involved parties are unwilling to engage in conflict resolution at the moment), we need to adjust our behavior. We show ourselves less freely and vulnerably to prevent hurt. - Distance: We decide whether to continue staying in a space or if we would have to adapt so much that it makes more sense to keep our distance for the time being.
February 3, 2026
2 updates
Conflict, Responsibility, and Resentment
I thought taking responsibility in conflicts means getting better at resolving them by working on how I handle my own emotions and how I communicate them to others. Now I'm realizing that taking responsibility means actively working on not building resentment. My conflict update from June 2025 shows some of the processes that were happening last summer: I started moving from a more powerless state of being angry at everyone towards taking more responsibility for my side of the equation. It was a really big and empowering shift for me. However, about half a year later, I'm asking myself: Have I been taking too much responsibility? Or maybe the wrong kind of responsibility? I'm realizing that I am often so focused on "doing the work" and "being good" at conflict resolution that I do a lot in isolation. When I feel hurt, I rarely let people feel my raw emotions. I first let the experience go through various intellectual and emotional filters. A lot of journaling, feeling, trying to understand my own part in the dynamic and my own patterns involved in it. And then after processing (which can take a long time) I decide if it's worth bringing up. If so, I then try to phrase it in a way that the people involved don't get upset. I rarely reach out before I have a well-crafted explanation why I feel (or rather, felt) a certain way, how I want to take responsibility for my own part in this, and what I'm wishing for from the other person. This is a very long process, often unfolding before the other person even knows that there is something going on. They don't have a chance to be involved early on to figure things out together. I learned about the concept of responsibility mapping in July last year. It's about finding the right balance in relationships and conflicts: When am I outsourcing responsibility to other people, and when am I reaching too much into their side of the equation? <Image
Resentment
Resentment makes us see people with less loving eyes, it leads to the Golem effect. By choosing to address a conflict instead of sweeping it under the rug, I can take responsibility to prevent resentment from building up over time. "I delayed truth until it hardened into resentment because resentment felt safer than vulnerability. Resentment preserves power without risking rejection." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "When internal boundaries are weak or absent, resentment becomes the substitute. And resentment is dangerous because it disguises itself as moral clarity while actually being deferred responsibility. It says, you should have known, when the truth is, I didn’t say." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "For me, resentment is often closer to jealousy than to anger. It sounds like: “Well, I didn’t say anything when you did X last fall.” What I’m really saying is: I cannot hold your boundary because I cannot hold or speak my own." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness
January 30, 2026
3 updates
Article: Care on Avoiding Boundaries
On their Substack newsletter Erotics of Liberation, Care published an article called Avoiding boundaries is not kindness. It is a refusal to risk being known in real time. "I tell myselves I struggle with boundaries because no one taught me. Because of my intersections. Because of white supremacy. Because of trauma. Because of history. And all of that is true. And, it’s not the whole truth." "I am tired of my wounds. Not in a bypassy way, not in a “just get over it” way—but in the way that comes when you realize that healing doesn’t only mean tending to pain. It also means losing the identities we’ve built around our wounds." "_The truth is: I struggle with boundaries a lot because I struggle with intimacy." "I delayed truth until it hardened into resentment because resentment felt safer than vulnerability. Resentment preserves power without risking rejection." "Over time, I’ve come to understand that boundaries are not just about self-protection; they are a direct line to my capacity for accountability. When I don’t hold my boundaries, resentment begins to accumulate." "I stay silent. I’m scared to set a boundary because I learned early on that boundaries threaten the relationship—and sometimes my safety within it. I learned that it was safer to abandon myself in service of the relationship than to risk the freedom that might exist outside of it." "When internal boundaries are weak or absent, resentment becomes the substitute. And resentment is dangerous because it disguises itself as moral clarity while actually being deferred responsibility. It says, you should have known, when the truth is, I didn’t say." "For me, resentment is often closer to jealousy than to anger. It sounds like: “Well, I didn’t say anything when you did X last fall.” What I’m really saying is: I cannot hold your boundary because I cannot hold or speak my own." "When a boundary finally appears—but it isn’t mine—the one I should have set months or years ago arrives late, charged, absolute, and often absurd. It’s not a boundary anymore. There is no room for repair then, only punishment wrapped in layers of defensiveness. Accountability, at that point, can no longer be practiced."
Boundaries
The term boundaries comes with some baggage because learning to set healthy ones is a difficult process. Until we're getting good at it, there is also the risk to use them as a way to evade responsibility and the vulnerability that comes with conflicts. "_The truth is: I struggle with boundaries a lot because I struggle with intimacy." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "When internal boundaries are weak or absent, resentment becomes the substitute. And resentment is dangerous because it disguises itself as moral clarity while actually being deferred responsibility. It says, you should have known, when the truth is,_ I didn’t say." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness <Image src="/img/2024-04-19-energetic-boundaries.jpg" width="1280" height="1032" size="large"
Resentment
Resentment makes us see people with less loving eyes, it leads to the Golem effect. By choosing to address a conflict instead of sweeping it under the rug, I can take responsibility to prevent resentment from building up over time. "I delayed truth until it hardened into resentment because resentment felt safer than vulnerability. Resentment preserves power without risking rejection." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "When internal boundaries are weak or absent, resentment becomes the substitute. And resentment is dangerous because it disguises itself as moral clarity while actually being deferred responsibility. It says, you should have known, when the truth is, I didn’t say." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "For me, resentment is often closer to jealousy than to anger. It sounds like: “Well, I didn’t say anything when you did X last fall.” What I’m really saying is: I cannot hold your boundary because I cannot hold or speak my own." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness
November 12, 2025
2 updates
Article: Care on Political Bypassing
On their Substack newsletter Erotics of Liberation, Care published an article called The wound I can't heal. Care mentions how political bypassing can be used to evade vulnerability. It is part of what we mean with externalization when focusing only on the outer layers of the spheres of responsibility. "Political bypassing happens when we use politics to avoid intimacy. When analysis becomes armor, we end up hiding behind theory instead of showing up in relationship. We name systems (“that’s just patriarchy,” “that’s your conditioning”) instead of naming how we actually feel. It’s similar to spiritual bypassing, where spiritual language or practices are used to sidestep pain or accountability — but in this case, it happens through politics." "Political bypassing replaces vulnerability with ideology —it makes us sound aware while keeping us disconnected." "Accountability became theoretical, and compassion conditional."
Attention
External attention (like feeling desired, admired...) can lead to spiritual ego. It's important to not confuse this type of attention with connection. "What you pay attention to grows." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers." – ThĂch Nhất Hạnh - Gratitude Journaling - Awe Walk