I thought taking responsibility in conflicts means getting better at resolving them by working on how I handle my own emotions and how I communicate them to others.
Now I'm realizing that taking responsibility means actively working on not building resentment.
Conflict Update February 2026
My conflict update from June 2025 shows some of the processes that were happening last summer: I started moving from a more powerless state of being angry at everyone towards taking more responsibility for my side of the equation. It was a really big and empowering shift for me.
However, about half a year later, I'm asking myself: Have I been taking too much responsibility? Or maybe the wrong kind of responsibility?
I'm realizing that I am often so focused on "doing the work" and "being good" at conflict resolution that I do a lot in isolation. When I feel hurt, I rarely let people feel my raw emotions.
I first let the experience go through various intellectual and emotional filters. A lot of journaling, feeling, trying to understand my own part in the dynamic and my own patterns involved in it.
And then after processing (which can take a long time) I decide if it's worth bringing up. If so, I then try to phrase it in a way that the people involved don't get upset. I rarely reach out before I have a well-crafted explanation why I feel (or rather, felt) a certain way, how I want to take responsibility for my own part in this, and what I'm wishing for from the other person.
This is a very long process, often unfolding before the other person even knows that there is something going on. They don't have a chance to be involved early on to figure things out together.
Responsibility Mapping
I learned about the concept of responsibility mapping in July last year. It's about finding the right balance in relationships and conflicts: When am I outsourcing responsibility to other people, and when am I reaching too much into their side of the equation?
Last time I wrote about the lightning rod analogy and the need to process things so that at one point they don't explode out of me. I'm now seeing that I've been trying to overcorrect, often taking almost sole responsibility for the process. Afraid of letting others feel my emotions.
But this isn't helping anyone.
To take over the process and not let the other person know what's going on is the wrong kind of responsibility. It means I don't have enough trust that they can deal with difficult emotions themselves.
Isn't this another form of conflict avoidance in the end? I'm not ready to communicate how I'm feeling while I'm feeling it, but rather when it's already processed and I feel less vulnerable.
And this is also part of a bigger pattern.
I'm currently waking up to how responsible I feel for other people's emotions and wellbeing, and how closely this is tied to my own vulnerability.
The Caretaker
In November 2025, I took on a new job as a care worker. Now that I do it professionally, I'm realizing how much I automatically go into that role in my personal relationships as well.
It feels like this is very interwoven with people pleasing and fear of vulnerability. I'm comfortable in the role of the helper, the giver, and I often don't allow myself to receive, or at least to ask for it. Because that would mean I'd need to figure out what I actually want. And to show myself vulnerable to being rejected.
"The truth is: I struggle with boundaries a lot because I struggle with intimacy."
– Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness
Pia once told me that anxious attachment (which I identified with a lot the last few years) is just another form of avoidance. When I'm focusing on others' emotions, I don't need to bring up my own, I don't need to show myself vulnerable.
I have the deep belief that if I am kind, take care of others, work on myself and take responsibility, I will get rewarded with love and intimacy.
And wow, is this fertile ground for resentment.
Working with Resentment
About 3 weeks ago, the day before my birthday, I went on a psychedelic journey into the underworld. After telling my friend Toomas about some of the darker parts of myself that I met there, he said with a wink "maybe you need to work on your resentment."
This sentence has stuck with me and I've been realizing how much resentment I'm used to holding. How much I have abandoned myself to "help" others without even being asked for it, unconsciously waiting for it to be reciprocated in the future. And how much I actually enjoyed being in that position, because I could tell myself "I'm taking responsibility" while still staying in a powerless state, waiting for others to change.
"When internal boundaries are weak or absent, resentment becomes the substitute. And resentment is dangerous because it disguises itself as moral clarity while actually being deferred responsibility. It says, you should have known, when the truth is, I didn’t say."
– Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness
At some point last week this was really frightening for me. I now see it as a wake-up call to really take responsibility by working on my resentment through learning about my own boundaries, and also enforcing them, even when it hurts.
"I delayed truth until it hardened into resentment because resentment felt safer than vulnerability. Resentment preserves power without risking rejection."
– Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness
Taking responsibility in conflicts means learning to go into communication earlier and rejecting fake harmony, even when the vulnerability it comes with scares me.
It means learning to accept that conflicts are messy and that I might hurt people.
It means learning to navigate through difficult emotions together without letting built-up resentment take over.
It means letting go of control and choosing trust.