Updates
A chronological view of all updates and changes to tender.garden.
July 16, 2025
7 updates
Safe(r) Space
A Safe Space is a space where the goal is for people to feel safe, respected, and free from fear of violence or judgment. It provides a protected environment that fosters openness, vulnerability, and mutual understanding. It is also often referred to as a Safer Space to emphasize that no space is completely free from violence and discrimination–and to show the intention to make the space progressively safer over time. See also: Brave(r) Space The safer we feel in a space, the freer and more vulnerable we can be there. For us, conflicts usually show how safe we feel in a space: when harm occurs, we strive for all involved to take responsibility, learn from the situation, and find ways to interact with more understanding and compassion in the future. If this does not happen, if conflicts are swept under the rug, it can result in the space feeling less safe. We share less of what’s going on inside us because we fear further hurt. For us, there are three ways to handle such situations: - Conflict Resolution: The attempt to repair, resolve conflicts, and create a space where all involved feel safer again. - Adaptation: If this doesn’t work (e.g., because involved parties are unwilling to engage in conflict resolution at the moment), we need to adjust our behavior. We show ourselves less freely and vulnerably to prevent hurt. - Distance: We decide whether to continue staying in a space or if we would have to adapt so much that it makes more sense to keep our distance for the time being.
Upper Limit Problem
The Upper Limit Problem describes the tendency to unconsciously sabotage ourselves when we surpass a familiar level of success, happiness, or love. Rooted in internalized beliefs and fears, it limits our capacity to grow, like an internal ceiling. Overcoming it means expanding our ability to receive and sustain well-being without self-sabotage. The term Upper Limit Problem was coined by psychologist and author Gay Hendricks in his book The Big Leap. - Impostor syndrome - Fear of outshining As above so below: just as individuals hit an inner ceiling on how much joy, success, or peace they allow, collectives (and the human organism as a whole) can unconsciously limit how much well-being or transformation they believe is possible. When systemic breakthroughs arise toward justice, healing, or liberation, they often meet resistance not just from external forces, but from within the collective psyche. This may show up as backlash, polarization, or a retreat into the familiar. Recognizing the collective Upper Limit Problem invites us to ask: What are we afraid of when things get better? And how can we expand our shared capacity to hold more possibility, not just individually, but together?
Book: All About Love
All About Love is a popular book by bell hooks. "To open our hearts more fully to love's power and grace we must dare to acknowledge how little we know of love in both theory and practice." "The word 'love' is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists of love acknowledge that we would all love better if we used it as a verb." "To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility." "One of the most important social myths we must debunk if we are to become a more loving culture is the one that teaches parents that abuse and neglect can coexist with love." "Lots of people learn how to lie in childhood. Usually they begin to lie to avoid punishment or to avoid disappointing or hurting an adult." "In far too many cases children are punished in circumstances where they respond with honesty to a question posed by an adult authority figure." "When we hear another person's thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, it is more difficult to project on to them our perceptions of who they are." "All awakening to love is spiritual awakening."
Book: Existential Kink
Existential Kink is a shadow integration technique that was popularized by Carolyn Lovewell. In her book Existential Kink: Unmask Your Shadow and Embrace Your Power a Method for Getting What You Want by Getting Off on What You Don't, she offers a variety of stories and exercises that show how readers can not only learn about and accept, but even embrace their hidden desires. "This book presents a life-altering shadow integration meditative practice that invites us to make conscious the unconscious pleasure that we take in the stuck, painful patterns of our lives. Through consciously enjoying and giving approval to these previously unconscious 'gulity pleasures,' we interrupt and end the stuck patterns so that we can get what we really want in our lives." "As long as we have unconscious (repressed, denied, disowned) enjoyment in some 'bad' thing in our lives, we will keep seeking out that very same 'bad' thing." In the book, Carolyn often references this quote attributed by Carl Jung: "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate." – Carl Jung As long as we don't accept our hidden patterns, we are going to repeat them over and over again. History repeats itself. In Existential Kink, Carolyn gives many exercises that help with the process of making the unconscious conscious. - Deepest Fear Inventory
Deepest Fear Inventory
Deepest Fear Inventory is a stream of consciousness writing exercise popularized by Carolyn Lovewell in her book Existential Kink. The goal of this exercise is to: - Write down all fears that are currently holding you back from making a specific change in your life - Accept these fears by speaking them out loud - Letting go by tearing the sheet of paper to pieces On a sheet of paper, write something like: "Dear Universe, I refuse to have/do [add your desire]" Then write down a liste of bullet points with everything that could be holding you back: - "because I have deep fear that I..." - "because I have deep fear that I..."
Transmute / Rage Letter
At the end of June, I decided that I wanted to “step back for the weekend” to let some emotions flow and process things I’ve been suppressing. What started as a weekend turned into the entire month of July. I realized I needed more space than I had thought because I felt both burnt out and restless at the same time. During this month, I went through many phases I still want to process in writing. Today, I want to tell you about my rage letter. At the end of July, I took a week off and decided to explicitly allow my emotions to flow again. On Tuesday morning, I started with a breathwork exercise I learned in a workshop with Carla. The psychedelic effect of this exercise continues to surprise me: it usually stirs up a lot of emotions that have accumulated in my body, and I need a few days to let them flow through me. Afterward, I feel clearer and freer. Tuesday and Wednesday, I spent my days in the forest and by the lake. I went alone, sat by the water, then retreated to the woods to soak in the nature and meditate. All with as little phone time or other activities as possible. And wow, did I feel awful at times. Just sitting there, feeling bad, and accepting it without distracting myself was hard to bear. Thankfully, I managed to remind myself now and then that I was doing this intentionally, that it was normal to feel this way, and that these feelings needed to flow through me. This allowed me to observe my emotions from a distance and not take every negative thought associated with them seriously. And somehow, even though I didn’t feel good, it became a deeply beautiful experience—one I remember fondly and consider one of the most impactful of the year. All my life, I’ve been so afraid of "negative" emotions that I’ve always focused on getting rid of them quickly. Now I’m slowly learning that every emotion has its place, and that it can be an incredibly raw and beautiful experience to give space to a feeling I've resisted for so long. Those days were both shitty and sacred. On Wednesday evening, I walked through the city looking for something to eat. Somehow, I got frustrated—nothing was going right. On my way home, I was suddenly overtaken by anger. I was furious at this "stupid vacation," at "just sitting around feeling bad." Suddenly, I was mad at all sorts of things that bubbled up. Luckily, after some time I could remind myself again that it was okay for these emotions to surface, that this was an opportunity to release them. So I marched home (angrily!), sat down in my room, turned on some music, and wrote a rage letter for an hour. I just wrote nonstop, without pausing or questioning. This method is also called stream of consciousness writing. I wanted to write something no one would ever read, giving myself the freedom to say things I'd never otherwise say. Later, I could barely read any of it because it was so scribbled. The words fucking and shit appeared very often.
Arriving Within Myself
Last week, I wrote about anxiety and how I sometimes find it difficult to write authentically without worrying about what others might think. This is a theme that accompanies me in many areas of life. In relationships, as a host, in public, professionally, creatively... I often constantly monitor how people are doing and what impact my behavior (or lack thereof) might have on them. Over the past two years, I've been exploring the topic of people pleasing and will write more about it in the future. In short: It's hard for me to bear when people around me are not doing well, and I quickly slip into the mode of wanting to manage their emotions to then feel better myself. This is often accompanied by assumptions that I've done something wrong and must fix it immediately to make things right again. This leads me to overextend myself without being asked, which eventually results in escalation when I don't feel supported to the same extent (also without being asked). A downward spiral. To counteract this, I've tried to find ways to arrive back at myself. To move out of other people's heads and back into my own mind and body. Not monitoring others, but discovering what I actually feel, what moves me, and what I need. For a long time, I saw being alone as something negative, something involuntary. Only in recent years have I realized how incredibly helpful it is for me simply to be with myself, away from external influences. In Die Freiheit allein zu sein (German book, The freedom to be alone), Sarah Diehl describes the difference between loneliness and solitude. That solitude can help us experience the world and ourselves as authentically as possible. I highly recommend this book. “Solitude is not (just) the absence of someone or something else, but the presence of my undisturbed perception.” – Sarah Diehl Through solitude, sometimes things that I have unconsciously carried with me for a long time can sort themselves out. Like a ball of yarn with knots that need time and quiet to untangle.
July 14, 2025
2 updates
Article: Damien Echols on the Great Work
On his Patreon, Damien Echols published an article called What is the Great Work?. "The Great Work is the purpose of your life. It’s why you’re here." "The Great Work is the process of remembering who and what you really are, and then living as that." Damien explains the phrase Solve et Coagula: "They represent the stages of breaking down the false self and reassembling the soul around something real." Solve: "In the early stages of the Great Work, everything begins with “solve.” You dissolve your old identities, your illusions, your wounds, and the programming you inherited from culture, family, and trauma." "Not all at once—but slowly, layer by layer." "This stage can feel like death." Coagula: "The second half of the formula is “coagula”—reassembly. Once you’ve burned away the dross, you begin to consciously, deliberately rebuild yourself."
Article: Damien Echols on the Warrior's Mind
On his Patreon, Damien Echols published an article called The Warrior’s Mind: Discipline as a Sacred Fire. He uses the image of the warrior to show how everyday discipline is an important skill on the transformational path, including: self-mastery, purpose, emotional resilience, presence, humility, service and integrity, stillness and solitude. "People think warriors are forged in battle. But the truth is, battle only reveals the edge you’ve already sharpened." "I’ve known cages made of concrete and cages made of comfort." "So what defines a true warrior’s mindset? It’s not aggression. It’s not fearlessness. It’s not domination. It’s clarity. Discipline. Presence. Purpose." And it doesn’t just happen. You cultivate it—daily. "Self-mastery isn’t about punishment. It’s about sovereignty. The ability to command your own mind, body, and emotions. To train when you’re tired. To speak with care when you’re angry. To act with honor when no one will ever know." "_You build self-mastery through daily practice:
July 12, 2025
2 updates
Article: Jessica Daylover on Responsibility Mapping
On the Remodeled Love Patreon, Jessica Daylover writes about the concept Responsibility Mapping. "It’s called Responsibility Mapping—learning to take the right amount of responsibility in a situation. Not more. Not less." In the article, Jes talks about her conflict patterns of taking responsibility. Taking on too much ("pay the whole bill") as a child, then doing the opposite as an adult, ("I centered myself as the victim, martyred myself at every opportunity"), which led to relationship ruptures and her trying to overcorrect again. "If I take more than my share, maybe things will be safer." A therapist among her Instagram followers pointed out the concept Responsibility Mapping, mentioning how this also has an effect on each involved person's opportunity to grow during conflict: "When you take too little responsibility, you rob yourself of growth. When you take too much, you rob someone else of growth." Jes reflects on how she's currently trying to find the right balance, which can also lead to grief when others don't take their share of responsibility: "These days, I’m practicing only paying my portion of the bill. No more, no less. And then sitting in whatever comes next—which is often grief. Grief when others can’t or won’t look at the bill with you. Grief when they don’t come back to the table at all." She also mentions specific challenges as a content creator and the need to have trusted people who are willing to hold you accountable:
Responsibility Mapping
Responsibility Mapping is a concept of finding the right balance of how much responsibility we are taking in a relationship or conflict. We learned about this in an article from Remodeled Love, which also highlights an important aspect of the concept: "When you take too little responsibility, you rob yourself of growth. When you take too much, you rob someone else of growth." Relationships come with both individual and shared responsibility: <Image src="/img/responsibility-mapping-venn-diagram.jpg" width="1280" height="922" size="large"
July 7, 2025
4 updates
Article: Damien Echols on the Philosopher's Stone
On his Patreon, Damien Echols published an article called What is the Philosopher's Stone?. It is about how The Philosopher’s Stone, a legendary symbol in Western esotericism, is not a physical object. It is presence itself: a crystallized state of conscious awareness in the present moment. Damien writes about how in medieval alchemy, the Philosopher’s Stone was believed to transmute lead into gold, heal all disease, grant immortality, illuminate the soul, and unite all opposites. And then he reveals that the Stone isn't what most people believe: "The Stone isn’t found in a flask or forged in a furnace. The Stone is presence." "It’s what happens when your awareness crystallizes. When your consciousness becomes so rooted in the moment, so refined by practice and discipline, that it no longer breaks apart under pressure. When it stops being scattered across past and future, and settles completely—entirely—into now." Damien goes on to explain how all the believed powers of the Stone are a metaphor for presence. "But here's the truth: you don’t need a laboratory to perform transmutation. You only need attention. Focused, disciplined, unwavering presence." "Sit with your anger without flinching, and it becomes insight. Sit with your grief long enough, and it ripens into compassion.
Presence
Being in the now. Not moving between past and future times in our head, but being 100% present in the current moment. - Meditation - Creative expression, e.g. drawing - Movement, e.g. dancing - Cutting off outside noise, e.g. through Low Dopamine Mornings - Deep Listening <Image src="/img/presence-depth.jpg" width="1280" height="956"
Time
For us, it is helpful to think of time as a state of consciousness. - Past: Thinking about and visualizing past experiences. - Present/Presence: Being in the here and now. - Future: Visualizing a time in the future. We suggest to observe the amount of time we spend in each of these states. Am I spending a majority of the time pondering in the past? Am I focused too much on the future, neglecting the present moment?
Transmutation
Transmutation describes the process of transforming how we feel by letting our emotions flow.
July 4, 2025
2 updates
My Current Morning Routine
For July, I’ve decided to experiment with a more structured morning routine again. So far, it’s been giving me a lot of energy and I feel more in the flow. To track how the routine evolves over time, I want to write about it here from time to time. First things first: I’m trying to stay away from my phone and any kind of notifications or input throughout the entire routine. This method is called Low Dopamine Morning and it has really helped me stay grounded before opening up to the outside world. Here’s a post where I write more about it: Arriving Within Myself. My current morning routine: - Before getting out of bed: - Dream Journal - Gratitude Journal - Life Beyond Suffering - Countdown Meditation - After getting up:
Eat the Frog
Eat the frog is a productivity method that is inspired by a quote attributed to Mark Twain: “If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.” The goal is to tackle the most unpleasant task first as part of a morning routine, allowing you to start the day with a clear mind and a sense of accomplishment. - Make a list of tasks for the day, ideally the day before. - Identify the ones that you are most dreading, which you would most certainly procrastinate, with the result of them staying in the back of your mind all day, costing you energy. - Tackle these uncomfortable tasks first. This will let you start the day with a sense of accomplishment and free up energy that was previously locked by having this task on your mind.
July 3, 2025
2 updates
Affirmations
Affirmations are short, positive statements that help reframe thoughts and reinforce desired beliefs and intentions. By repeating them regularly, we can affect how our consciousness perceives ourselves and the world around us. Since affirmations are typically used to shift thoughts and perceptions toward positive outcomes, they can be seen as a light work technique. - Choose an affirmation that reflects a belief, intention, or quality you want to strengthen - Keep it short, present-tense, and positive (e.g., “I am a source of calm, strength, and hope.”) - Repeat it regularly It is even possible to create a mantra out of your affirmation and repeat it over and over to focus your mind on it even more. Affirmations are not inly relevant on the individual level. We believe it's very important for the collective to use them to envision a better future. May our affirmations be as bold as our imagination allows. Examples:
Book: Die Freiheit, allein zu sein (The Freedom to Be Alone)
Die Freiheit, allein zu sein: Eine Ermutigung is a German book by Sarah Diehl that explores the concept of solitude from a female perspective. Quotes on this page are freely translated from the German version of the book. "Solitude is not (just) the absence of someone or something else, but the presence of my undisturbed perception." "The single generation we look at so anxiously arises because people break away from old concepts like the nuclear family but still have to find their way into new concepts of communal living. This is made more difficult when they are still measured against old patterns and when laws and moral ideas, e.g., about who can be family and how, hold us back."