Here are a few coping strategies I observed when dealing with my own jealousy. There is no „one best way“, which strategy I’m using depends on a lot of circumstances and how much willpower I have in that moment to push through the discomfort.
DADT: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell
When I’m not in a good state and there are topics that easily trigger me, it is tempting to ignore things, letting your partner know you don’t want to hear about certain topics.
While this can be a valid strategy, for me personally, this hasn’t led to more secure relationships in the past because it discourages vulnerability and transparency.
Downplay
„This won’t last long“, „it’s not as special as our connection“, …
I noticed that I employ this strategy a lot. While it might be soothing in the short-term, I think I’ve often been just lying to myself and then being upset when stuff happens I don’t expect.
Expectation Management
For me, a helpful way has been to just think about the „worst thing“ (for my jealousy) that could happen while my partner is away. Are they having an amazing time? Can’t keep their hands off each other? Best sex ever?
This often made me realize „ah wait, it’s not too bad, I would actually be more happy for my partner if this happened instead of my downplayed scenario“. However, I’m not always in the state to feel this.
Curiosity
When I’m in a good state, it’s possible to view jealousy from a higher vantage point. I’m not my jealous thoughts, it’s just an emotion I observe.
The expectation management strategy from above is helpful to enter this state of mind. How does that exaggeration make me feel? Can I learn something about my triggers that I can communicate to my partners?
Depending on the state it can be extremely challenging to stay in that higher viewpoint. Don’t be too hard on yourself!
Other things that helped enter a state of curiosity: drawing, dancing (any form of meditation), intellectualizing… For example, I came up with this post in a moment of feeling very jealous.