I'm on a call with my dad. Suddenly, it breaks out of me. I tell him how heavy my care job feels to me right how, how much I'm struggling with the responsibility. I start crying and it feels like coming from very deep down. So much frustration, sadness and powerlessness that I've been carrying and trying to deal with on my own. It feels good to be listened to. It feels good to be held by him. It feels good to be witnessed in a moment of despair.
This moment 3 weeks ago felt very big, both for myself as well as for the relationship with my dad. It feels like some barrier was broken through, opening up space for more positive energy in my life.
When I remember these raw emotions coming out of me, I see a very bright light bursting out of my chest. As if something was set free.
"Pain wants to be seen"
This is a phrase my friend Mel told me a while ago.
I keep coming back to this. There's a reason why many decolonial healers stress the importance of grieving as a communal practice.
Energy wants to flow.
Sometimes, we can't let it go on our own. Sometimes, it's not enough to push it into the ground.
Sometimes, the energy needs to get out by flowing to other beings. Ideally ones that are prepared to hold the space for it.
While I've been working on showing more unfiltered emotions, it has been a challenge for me to do that outside my relationship with Pia. Opening up to others still feels very vulnerable and I'm actively practicing to pause and consciously decide what I want to share instead of staying vague by default.