Arriving Within Myself
Last week, I wrote about anxiety and how I sometimes find it difficult to write authentically without worrying about what others might think. This is a theme that accompanies me in many areas of life. In relationships, as a host, in public, professionally, creatively... I often constantly monitor how people are doing and what impact my behavior (or lack thereof) might have on them. Over the past two years, I've been exploring the topic of people pleasing and will write more about it in the future. In short: It's hard for me to bear when people around me are not doing well, and I quickly slip into the mode of wanting to manage their emotions to then feel better myself. This is often accompanied by assumptions that I've done something wrong and must fix it immediately to make things right again. This leads me to overextend myself without being asked, which eventually results in escalation when I don't feel supported to the same extent (also without being asked). A downward spiral. To counteract this, I've tried to find ways to arrive back at myself. To move out of other people's heads and back into my own mind and body. Not monitoring others, but discovering what I actually feel, what moves me, and what I need. For a long time, I saw being alone as something negative, something involuntary. Only in recent years have I realized how incredibly helpful it is for me simply to be with myself, away from external influences. In Die Freiheit allein zu sein (German book, The freedom to be alone), Sarah Diehl describes the difference between loneliness and solitude. That solitude can help us experience the world and ourselves as authentically as possible. I highly recommend this book. “Solitude is not (just) the absence of someone or something else, but the presence of my undisturbed perception.” – Sarah Diehl Through solitude, sometimes things that I have unconsciously carried with me for a long time can sort themselves out. Like a ball of yarn with knots that need time and quiet to untangle.
