Updates
A chronological view of all updates and changes to tender.garden.
February 3, 2026
2 updates
Conflict, Responsibility, and Resentment
I thought taking responsibility in conflicts means getting better at resolving them by working on how I handle my own emotions and how I communicate them to others. Now I'm realizing that taking responsibility means actively working on not building resentment. My conflict update from June 2025 shows some of the processes that were happening last summer: I started moving from a more powerless state of being angry at everyone towards taking more responsibility for my side of the equation. It was a really big and empowering shift for me. However, about half a year later, I'm asking myself: Have I been taking too much responsibility? Or maybe the wrong kind of responsibility? I'm realizing that I am often so focused on "doing the work" and "being good" at conflict resolution that I do a lot in isolation. When I feel hurt, I rarely let people feel my raw emotions. I first let the experience go through various intellectual and emotional filters. A lot of journaling, feeling, trying to understand my own part in the dynamic and my own patterns involved in it. And then after processing (which can take a long time) I decide if it's worth bringing up. If so, I then try to phrase it in a way that the people involved don't get upset. I rarely reach out before I have a well-crafted explanation why I feel (or rather, felt) a certain way, how I want to take responsibility for my own part in this, and what I'm wishing for from the other person. This is a very long process, often unfolding before the other person even knows that there is something going on. They don't have a chance to be involved early on to figure things out together. I learned about the concept of responsibility mapping in July last year. It's about finding the right balance in relationships and conflicts: When am I outsourcing responsibility to other people, and when am I reaching too much into their side of the equation? <Image
Resentment
Resentment makes us see people with less loving eyes, it leads to the Golem effect. By choosing to address a conflict instead of sweeping it under the rug, I can take responsibility to prevent resentment from building up over time. "I delayed truth until it hardened into resentment because resentment felt safer than vulnerability. Resentment preserves power without risking rejection." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "When internal boundaries are weak or absent, resentment becomes the substitute. And resentment is dangerous because it disguises itself as moral clarity while actually being deferred responsibility. It says, you should have known, when the truth is, I didn’t say." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "For me, resentment is often closer to jealousy than to anger. It sounds like: “Well, I didn’t say anything when you did X last fall.” What I’m really saying is: I cannot hold your boundary because I cannot hold or speak my own." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness
January 30, 2026
3 updates
Article: Care on Avoiding Boundaries
On their Substack newsletter Erotics of Liberation, Care published an article called Avoiding boundaries is not kindness. It is a refusal to risk being known in real time. "I tell myselves I struggle with boundaries because no one taught me. Because of my intersections. Because of white supremacy. Because of trauma. Because of history. And all of that is true. And, it’s not the whole truth." "I am tired of my wounds. Not in a bypassy way, not in a “just get over it” way—but in the way that comes when you realize that healing doesn’t only mean tending to pain. It also means losing the identities we’ve built around our wounds." "_The truth is: I struggle with boundaries a lot because I struggle with intimacy." "I delayed truth until it hardened into resentment because resentment felt safer than vulnerability. Resentment preserves power without risking rejection." "Over time, I’ve come to understand that boundaries are not just about self-protection; they are a direct line to my capacity for accountability. When I don’t hold my boundaries, resentment begins to accumulate." "I stay silent. I’m scared to set a boundary because I learned early on that boundaries threaten the relationship—and sometimes my safety within it. I learned that it was safer to abandon myself in service of the relationship than to risk the freedom that might exist outside of it." "When internal boundaries are weak or absent, resentment becomes the substitute. And resentment is dangerous because it disguises itself as moral clarity while actually being deferred responsibility. It says, you should have known, when the truth is, I didn’t say." "For me, resentment is often closer to jealousy than to anger. It sounds like: “Well, I didn’t say anything when you did X last fall.” What I’m really saying is: I cannot hold your boundary because I cannot hold or speak my own." "When a boundary finally appears—but it isn’t mine—the one I should have set months or years ago arrives late, charged, absolute, and often absurd. It’s not a boundary anymore. There is no room for repair then, only punishment wrapped in layers of defensiveness. Accountability, at that point, can no longer be practiced."
Boundaries
The term boundaries comes with some baggage because learning to set healthy ones is a difficult process. Until we're getting good at it, there is also the risk to use them as a way to evade responsibility and the vulnerability that comes with conflicts. "_The truth is: I struggle with boundaries a lot because I struggle with intimacy." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "When internal boundaries are weak or absent, resentment becomes the substitute. And resentment is dangerous because it disguises itself as moral clarity while actually being deferred responsibility. It says, you should have known, when the truth is,_ I didn’t say." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness <Image src="/img/2024-04-19-energetic-boundaries.jpg" width="1280" height="1032" size="large"
Resentment
Resentment makes us see people with less loving eyes, it leads to the Golem effect. By choosing to address a conflict instead of sweeping it under the rug, I can take responsibility to prevent resentment from building up over time. "I delayed truth until it hardened into resentment because resentment felt safer than vulnerability. Resentment preserves power without risking rejection." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "When internal boundaries are weak or absent, resentment becomes the substitute. And resentment is dangerous because it disguises itself as moral clarity while actually being deferred responsibility. It says, you should have known, when the truth is, I didn’t say." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness "For me, resentment is often closer to jealousy than to anger. It sounds like: “Well, I didn’t say anything when you did X last fall.” What I’m really saying is: I cannot hold your boundary because I cannot hold or speak my own." – Care in Avoiding boundaries is not kindness
November 12, 2025
2 updates
Article: Care on Political Bypassing
On their Substack newsletter Erotics of Liberation, Care published an article called The wound I can't heal. Care mentions how political bypassing can be used to evade vulnerability. It is part of what we mean with externalization when focusing only on the outer layers of the spheres of responsibility. "Political bypassing happens when we use politics to avoid intimacy. When analysis becomes armor, we end up hiding behind theory instead of showing up in relationship. We name systems (“that’s just patriarchy,” “that’s your conditioning”) instead of naming how we actually feel. It’s similar to spiritual bypassing, where spiritual language or practices are used to sidestep pain or accountability — but in this case, it happens through politics." "Political bypassing replaces vulnerability with ideology —it makes us sound aware while keeping us disconnected." "Accountability became theoretical, and compassion conditional."
Attention
External attention (like feeling desired, admired...) can lead to spiritual ego. It's important to not confuse this type of attention with connection. "What you pay attention to grows." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers." – ThĂch Nhất Hạnh - Gratitude Journaling - Awe Walk
October 28, 2025
5 updates
Article: Damien Echols on the Bow
On his Patreon, Damien Echols published an article called The Bow. "The bow signals that you have crossed a threshold, stepping out of ordinary life and into sacred space." "Bowing is one of the first things we learn in martial arts, but it is also one of the last things we ever truly understand. It looks simple enough, just a gesture of lowering your head or bending at the waist. Yet behind it lies centuries of tradition, layers of meaning, and a depth of practice that can change the way we move through the world." "When you bow, you acknowledge that what you are about to do matters." "One of the deepest meanings of the bow is respect. When we bow to the mat, we respect the training ground. When we bow to our instructors, we respect the years they endured to make it possible for us to stand where we stand. When we bow to our partners, we respect the fact that they place their bodies in our hands and trust us not to abuse them." "Carried into daily life, this respect transforms us. When you bow often enough in the dojang, you begin bowing inwardly in other places too. You show respect for the food you eat, the people you encounter, the work you do, even the difficulties you face. Life itself becomes the teacher, and every moment deserves the bow." "Over time, the repetition of bowing works like the repetition of forms, mantras, or prayers. At first, it feels simple. Then it feels redundant. But slowly, something deeper emerges. You realize that the bow is not just a ritual at the beginning and end of practice. It is practice itself." "In this way, bowing becomes a daily act of alchemy. It turns routine into ritual. It transforms ordinary gestures into sacred acknowledgments. It keeps us from falling into the illusion that only certain moments matter. With the bow, every moment becomes practice." "Each bow is an initiation. Each bow is a threshold. Each bow is a chance to dissolve pride, to return to presence, to remember gratitude. Over a lifetime of practice, bowing transforms us…not because of the movement itself, but because of the meaning we bring to it."
Bow
"Dōgen, the great Zen master, once said that when you bow, the entire universe bows with you." – Damien Echols in What is the Great Work?
Ritual Design
- Opening the container - Transitions between elements - Closing the container Ideas: - Light a candle - Bow - Start with three deep breaths or a meditation - Find a way to relax and warm up, e.g. through movement, laughing together - Set an intention for the session. Potential visualization prompt: "How do I want to leave this session today?" Take into account the current emotional depth, don't jump too much. On which emotional level are we right now?
Article: Damien Echols on the Great Work
On his Patreon, Damien Echols published an article called What is the Great Work?. "The Great Work is the purpose of your life. It’s why you’re here." "The Great Work is the process of remembering who and what you really are, and then living as that." Damien explains the phrase Solve et Coagula: "They represent the stages of breaking down the false self and reassembling the soul around something real." Solve: "In the early stages of the Great Work, everything begins with “solve.” You dissolve your old identities, your illusions, your wounds, and the programming you inherited from culture, family, and trauma." "Not all at once—but slowly, layer by layer." "This stage can feel like death." Coagula: "The second half of the formula is “coagula”—reassembly. Once you’ve burned away the dross, you begin to consciously, deliberately rebuild yourself."
Article: Damien Echols on the Warrior's Mind
On his Patreon, Damien Echols published an article called The Warrior’s Mind: Discipline as a Sacred Fire. He uses the image of the warrior to show how everyday discipline is an important skill on the transformational path, including: self-mastery, purpose, emotional resilience, presence, humility, service and integrity, stillness and solitude. "People think warriors are forged in battle. But the truth is, battle only reveals the edge you’ve already sharpened." "I’ve known cages made of concrete and cages made of comfort." "So what defines a true warrior’s mindset? It’s not aggression. It’s not fearlessness. It’s not domination. It’s clarity. Discipline. Presence. Purpose." And it doesn’t just happen. You cultivate it—daily. "Self-mastery isn’t about punishment. It’s about sovereignty. The ability to command your own mind, body, and emotions. To train when you’re tired. To speak with care when you’re angry. To act with honor when no one will ever know." "_You build self-mastery through daily practice:
October 20, 2025
4 updates
Accountability
Accountability means taking responsibility for the impact our actions have on others and our environment as a whole. It is the practice of being present with the consequences of our choices. It’s not about blame or punishment, but about recognizing with compassion when our conscious and unconscious behavior has caused harm. And then doing the work to reflect and repair, with the intention or rebuilding trust. "Accountability is an act of (self-) love, a commitment to choose relationship over righteousness, courage over comfort." – Care in We Can't Be Abolitionist & Conflict Avoidant
Zine: We Can't Be Abolitionist & Conflict Avoidant
We Can't Be Abolitionist & Conflict Avoidant is a downloadable zine created by Care from Erotics of Liberation. The zine offers reflections on conflict avoidance in relationships and organizing spaces, with practical strategies to move into accountability and generative conflict resolution. "Trauma happens in relationships, and so healing has to happen there, too."
Community
How can we make sure that living in community doesn't just stay a romanticized dream or a generic term? How do we want to live together in the future? What are the steps we can take to get there? We believe that community needs a strong foundation of †rust that can only be built over time and through conflict resolution. When talking about community and group dynamics, we sometimes forget that a group consists of many individual connections. Both individual connections as well as the group as a whole need to be nurtured.
Learning about Cancel Culture
We've dismissed the term cancel culture for a long time because we saw it mainly as a way for people in power to evade accountability when confronted with mistakes. What’s often forgotten is that the roots of this practice lie in Black liberation movements, where calling out harmful behavior publicly became a vital way to seek justice outside of systems that fail to protect marginalized communities. Over time, however, the term has been co-opted and repurposed—often by those in power—to deflect criticism. Rather than taking responsibility for the harm that was caused, people often focus on how the injustice is communicated. This shifts the attention away from the root of the issue. We believe it's crucial to listen to people experiencing violence and injustice, no matter how it is delivered. There should always be space for righteous anger. However, the more we reflected on our own behavior during conflict, we realized there is more going on. We noticed how punishment and fear of punishment–so deeply ingrained in our culture–affects how we show up in our relationships and results in hurt and disconnection in cases where more effective conflict resolution could be possible. We experienced this not only in personal conflicts, but also when trying to help organize for Palestine and collective liberation over the last year. There is a growing number of people in movement spaces highlighting the importance of finding more effective and connective ways of working together. As big believers in the transformative magic of conflict resolution, we feel drawn towards better understanding the underlying dynamics of cancel culture and how they show up in ourselves, our personal relationships, and our movements. We are exploring this as two white Germans. This means we're currently focusing on: - How German socialization affects our conflict behavior - The process of white Germans waking up to being complicit in structural violence - Doing the necessary shadow work to be able to show up in movement spaces in increasingly healthy ways