Updates
A chronological view of all updates and changes to tender.garden.
Yesterday
2 updates
Life is easier when there is a villain
Life is easier when there is a villain. They are the reason I'm not feeling good. And I can't do anything about it. Oh, life could be so great. IF ONLY they could come to their senses. When asked why I'm not feeling well, it's easy to respond with a name. I'm either worried about or angry at someone. Bonus points if I'm angry at what someone did to someone else. Bonus bonus points when the victim I've chosen to rescue becomes my villain, too. It's good to have one main villain. It gives me the illusion there's just one thing standing between me and happiness. And when it gets resolved? No worries, the gap will be filled soon enough. Who will be my next main villain? If I don't find anyone fast enough, there's always myself.
Drama Triangle
The Drama Triangle is a psychological and social model that describes a common pattern of interaction in conflict and power dynamics. It consists of three roles that people unconsciously slip into: - Victim: Feels powerless, oppressed, or helpless. Often seeks rescue or validation but resists responsibility or solutions. - Rescuer: Rushes in to help, often unasked. Seeks to “save” others, which can create dependence and deny others their agency. - Perpetrator: Exerts control through criticism, blame, or aggression. Often justifies behavior through perceived injustice or frustration. People often shift between roles within a single interaction or over time, reinforcing a cycle of dysfunction. We're not really fans of the terms victim and perpetrator and are currently looking for alternatives. There are solutions using person harmed and harm doer (or person who caused harm). We're currently not sure if this properly reflects the dynamics referenced in the Drama Triangle framework the way we understand it. We like the concept of responsibility mapping because it doesn't put people into categories like victim or rescuer, while still offering a framework to reflect on the amount of responsibility we're taking in a relationship or conflict. Here's an attempt to merge both concepts: <Image
October 5, 2026
3 updates
A hole that wants to be filled
When a burden is let go, it leaves a hole that wants to be filled. A large amount of energy that was previously tied into worrying about this certain issue is now set free. Where does it go? It is common to feel a sense of disorientation for a certain amount of time after a moment of relief. After all, the worries brought purpose, in a sense. The energy, the attention invested in them had a clear direction. Where do I point it to, now? Parts of myself that have felt unheard start fighting for a portion of that energy. They want to be in the spotlight now. Wait, I've just felt a big relief. Shouldn't I feel great now? Where are all these worries, all these negative thoughts coming from so suddenly? Working with the Upper Limit Problem means recognizing this pattern. When I'm aware that this is just energy reorganizing in my system, I can be more compassionate with myself and the parts that want my attention. Instead of immediately reacting to the internal chatter, I can listen to it with curiosity. And then, from a space of calm centeredness, I can choose where I want to direct the newly available energy.
Book: The Big Leap
In The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks introduces the Upper Limit Problem and shows how we can move past it. "Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure." Gay Hendricks lists 4 barriers that are causing the upper limit problem to be triggered. "If you have a deep, old feeling that there's something wrong, bad, or flawed about you, you will find yourself grappling with that issue every time you break through to greater love and financial abundance." "This thought creates cognitive dissonance, the mind rattle that occurs when you try to hold two opposing thoughts at the same time: Given that I am fundamentally flawed (or wrong or bad), how can I possibly be this happy, rich, and creative?" "The cognitive dissonance must be resolved in one of two ways: by returning to your previous thermostat setting; or by letting go of the old, limiting belief, which allows you to stabilize at the new, higher level." "You're likely to feel, at a deep and unconscious level, that your quest for a life of your own and success on your own terms has come at the cost of leaving behind your roots and being disloyal to those who loved you."
Upper Limit Problem
The Upper Limit Problem describes the tendency to unconsciously sabotage ourselves when we surpass a familiar level of success, happiness, or love. Rooted in internalized beliefs and fears, it limits our capacity to grow, like an internal ceiling. Overcoming it means expanding our ability to receive and sustain well-being without self-sabotage. The term Upper Limit Problem was coined by psychologist and author Gay Hendricks. "Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure." – Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap - Impostor syndrome - Fear of outshining When we're getting too focused on raising our upper limit, it can happen that we fall into the trap of the Arrival Fallacy. When we focus too much on a vague sense of expansion that we think will allow us to be happy in the future, we can forget that raising the upper limit is supposed to allow us to live life fully in the present moment. As above so below: just as individuals hit an inner ceiling on how much joy, success, or peace they allow, collectives (and the human organism as a whole) can unconsciously limit how much well-being or transformation they believe is possible. When systemic breakthroughs arise toward justice, healing, or liberation, they often meet resistance not just from external forces, but from within the collective psyche. This may show up as backlash, polarization, or a retreat into the familiar.
October 4, 2026
2 updates
Book: The Big Leap
In The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks introduces the Upper Limit Problem and shows how we can move past it. "Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure." Gay Hendricks lists 4 barriers that are causing the upper limit problem to be triggered. "If you have a deep, old feeling that there's something wrong, bad, or flawed about you, you will find yourself grappling with that issue every time you break through to greater love and financial abundance." "This thought creates cognitive dissonance, the mind rattle that occurs when you try to hold two opposing thoughts at the same time: Given that I am fundamentally flawed (or wrong or bad), how can I possibly be this happy, rich, and creative?" "The cognitive dissonance must be resolved in one of two ways: by returning to your previous thermostat setting; or by letting go of the old, limiting belief, which allows you to stabilize at the new, higher level." "You're likely to feel, at a deep and unconscious level, that your quest for a life of your own and success on your own terms has come at the cost of leaving behind your roots and being disloyal to those who loved you."
Upper Limit Problem
The Upper Limit Problem describes the tendency to unconsciously sabotage ourselves when we surpass a familiar level of success, happiness, or love. Rooted in internalized beliefs and fears, it limits our capacity to grow, like an internal ceiling. Overcoming it means expanding our ability to receive and sustain well-being without self-sabotage. The term Upper Limit Problem was coined by psychologist and author Gay Hendricks. "Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure." – Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap - Impostor syndrome - Fear of outshining When we're getting too focused on raising our upper limit, it can happen that we fall into the trap of the Arrival Fallacy. When we focus too much on a vague sense of expansion that we think will allow us to be happy in the future, we can forget that raising the upper limit is supposed to allow us to live life fully in the present moment. As above so below: just as individuals hit an inner ceiling on how much joy, success, or peace they allow, collectives (and the human organism as a whole) can unconsciously limit how much well-being or transformation they believe is possible. When systemic breakthroughs arise toward justice, healing, or liberation, they often meet resistance not just from external forces, but from within the collective psyche. This may show up as backlash, polarization, or a retreat into the familiar.
October 3, 2026
9 updates
Flashlight of Awareness
Flashlight of Awareness is a form of meditation that uses the ability to move our attention like a beam of a flashlight. It lets us focus our awareness on a single thing, such as a part of our body, a feeling, a sound, or a thought. The goal of this practice is to look into a specific part of our experience with curiosity and wonder. For example, if we feel pain or stiffness in a certain body part, we can shine our light of awareness there. Similarly, when we feel a certain emotion, it can help to notice where we feel it, and what it feels like. By choosing to be the curious observer that directs the beam, we can loosen our grasp on the experience and identify less with it. - Choose a target: a body area, an emotion, or anything else you want to look at - Point the beam of awareness at it and rest your attention there - Feel into it, breathe into it (do this as long as you want) - Observe how it feels with curiosity, without trying to change it - Notice anything that comes up: sensations, images, thoughts - When your mind wanders, notice where the beam went and gently bring it back (mindfulness meditation) - To finish, widen the beam to your whole body or the room around you
From Problem-Solving to Problem-Choosing
The last few years, I focused a lot of my energy on improving how I solve problems and conflicts. I've become better and better at managing my state, feeling my emotions, going into conflict resolution. It felt really empowering to make progress like this and take responsibility for whatever life throws at me. However, this can also become a trap where "working on myself" makes up big parts of life. There is always something to solve, always something to process, always something to work on... It's easy to fall for the Arrival Fallacy when constantly thinking in terms of expansion and transformation. At times it felt like spiritual workaholism. After a stressful period in my life, I asked myself: Is this actually keeping me inside a larger pattern? <Image src="/img/2026-08-24-what-if.png" width="1280" height="960" size="large" alt="A hand holding a drawing that shows written text: What if the 'working on myself' is the pattern? What if the 'transformation', 'expansion' is the pattern?"
Book: The Big Leap
In The Big Leap, Gay Hendricks introduces the Upper Limit Problem and shows how we can move past it. "Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure." Gay Hendricks lists 4 barriers that are causing the upper limit problem to be triggered. "If you have a deep, old feeling that there's something wrong, bad, or flawed about you, you will find yourself grappling with that issue every time you break through to greater love and financial abundance." "This thought creates cognitive dissonance, the mind rattle that occurs when you try to hold two opposing thoughts at the same time: Given that I am fundamentally flawed (or wrong or bad), how can I possibly be this happy, rich, and creative?" "The cognitive dissonance must be resolved in one of two ways: by returning to your previous thermostat setting; or by letting go of the old, limiting belief, which allows you to stabilize at the new, higher level." "You're likely to feel, at a deep and unconscious level, that your quest for a life of your own and success on your own terms has come at the cost of leaving behind your roots and being disloyal to those who loved you."
Propaganda
Moving collective attention. Tools of propaganda: - Othering, us vs. them - Dehumanization - Poisoning of terms and slogans "The propagandist's purpose is to make one set of people forget that certain other sets of people are human" – Aldous Huxley
Attention
Attention is power. Where do we direct our attention? Who do we give it to? External attention (like feeling desired, admired...) can lead to spiritual ego. It's important to not confuse this type of attention with connection. Attention is a near enemy of love. "What you pay attention to grows." – adrienne maree brown in Emergent Strategy "The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers." – Thích Nhất Hạnh - Flashlight of Awareness - Gratitude Journaling
Grounding
Grounding means connecting more with the present moment, yourself and the Earth. Especially after drawing in a lot of external energy and emotions, it is important to find an outlet. Otherwise, it could lead to involuntary discharge or an inflated ego. - Creation - Movement, fitness, stretching, dance - Taking a shower (a cold shower can have an even greater effect) - Acupressure like Shakti Mat - Various types of grounding meditation - Spending time in nature - Physical touch and co-regulation
Meditation
Meditation is about taking time to slow down, be present, and listen to what's going on inside and around us. Meditation may serve different purposes, for example: - Mindfulness Meditation: A focus on observing thoughts and practicing the ability to notice when the mind is wandering. - Working with the unconscious: Bringing ourselves into a meditative state to uncover what is hidden (shadow work) or to make positive change of patterns and belief systems (light work). Most meditations incorporate some or many of the following practices: - Stillness - Breathing - Visualization - Bringing attention to the body and our senses
Conflict Resolution
From being against each other to being with each other. Successful conflict resolution strengthens trust that future conflicts can also be resolved well.
Upper Limit Problem
The Upper Limit Problem describes the tendency to unconsciously sabotage ourselves when we surpass a familiar level of success, happiness, or love. Rooted in internalized beliefs and fears, it limits our capacity to grow, like an internal ceiling. Overcoming it means expanding our ability to receive and sustain well-being without self-sabotage. The term Upper Limit Problem was coined by psychologist and author Gay Hendricks. "Each of us has an inner thermostat setting that determines how much love, success, and creativity we allow ourselves to enjoy. When we exceed our inner thermostat setting, we will often do something to sabotage ourselves, causing us to drop back into the old, familiar zone where we feel secure." – Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap - Impostor syndrome - Fear of outshining When we're getting too focused on raising our upper limit, it can happen that we fall into the trap of the Arrival Fallacy. When we focus too much on a vague sense of expansion that we think will allow us to be happy in the future, we can forget that raising the upper limit is supposed to allow us to live life fully in the present moment. As above so below: just as individuals hit an inner ceiling on how much joy, success, or peace they allow, collectives (and the human organism as a whole) can unconsciously limit how much well-being or transformation they believe is possible. When systemic breakthroughs arise toward justice, healing, or liberation, they often meet resistance not just from external forces, but from within the collective psyche. This may show up as backlash, polarization, or a retreat into the familiar.
October 2, 2026
3 updates
The Work by Byron Katie
The Work by Byron Katie is a method that allows us to examine our thoughts. The Work revolves around asking the following questions about a thought: - Is it true? - Can you absolutely know that it's true? - How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? - Who would you be without that thought? While it is beneficial to take the time for each of the questions and write the answers down (for example using a technique like stream of consciousness writing), the more experienced we get with the process, the easier it is for it to have an effect even when we just speak it or do it in our heads. After working with the questions, there is another principle called Turnarounds. Come up with opposites of the original statement and then find examples for how these turnarounds can be just as true. Official instructions by Byron Katie.
Negative Sentiment Override
Negative Sentiment Override happens when resentment takes over and colors our perception of others' behavior. The most neutral statement can be understood as an attack when we attribute negative intention to it. The Negative Sentiment Override and the Golem effect are closely related. When we notice the Negative Sentiment Override affecting our thoughts, we can work on changing our perspective again: - Byron Katie's The Work can be used to examine our thoughts. - We can use a method like stream of consciousness writing to let out some of our resentment. The result can be used to brainstorm next steps towards conflict resolution.
Mental State
Our mental state has a lot of power over how we perceive the outer world and what we focus our attention on. Each state is temporary, even though it can sometimes feel like forever. It helps to recognize the current state without judging ourselves. It has helped us to work on the following elements. Each has its own set of practices, which we’ll explore below: - Awareness: Noticing our state. - Acceptance: Sitting with our state. - Shift: Reclaiming agency over our state. Meditation helps us get more aware of our mental state. The "waking up" that we practice during mindfulness meditation helps us catch patterns and recognize (and control) our state more easily over time. Not trying to change our current state and instead sitting with the feeling in presence can lead to a big change in how much power we assert to it. Fully accepting and being with our state leads to transmutation. We can use tools to shift our attention away from our current state. However, it's important to recognize it before and not trying to suppress it. - Laughing, e.g. watching something