### Introduction "_Again and again, I have experienced the power of [love](/knowledge/love) to heal, to bridge, to connect and to awaken, as well as the trauma that ensues in its absence._" "_In many ways, my life is centered in not just believing in [love](/knowledge/love), but_ being _love. That is, emanating love as best as I can, moment by moment, interaction by interaction._" "_Attachment theory offers an important–even revolutionary–framework for understanding the biological and psychological necessity of being securely bonded to others._" "_Many people who practice ethical nonmonogamy (who often proudly describe themselves as relationship geeks) have been drawn to attachment theory as a way to further enhance their general knowledge about relationships._" ### An Overview of Attachment Theory The book first explains the concept of [attachment theory](/knowledge/attachment-theory), how children look for their caretakers when their nervous system is imbalanced and how receiving support impacts not only their wellbeing, but also their ability to go on independent exploration. "_As human infants, we are born into this world with an attachment system that wires us to expect connection with others. The creator of [attachment theory](/knowledge/attachment-theory), John Bowlby, called this innate expectation the_ attachment behavioral system _and explained that it is one of several behavioral systems that humans evolved to ensure our survival._" "_As infants, we can't meet any of our needs. So, in order to survive, we have to bond and attach to caretakers who can provide us with food and shelter, as well as meeting our biological and psychological needs for emotional attunement, warm responsiveness and calming physical touch._" "_When an infant feels [fear](/knowledge/fear), distress or discomfort, their attachment system is activated. This prompts them to quickly turn towards their caretakers or use proximity-seeking behaviors such as crying, reaching for, calling out or, later, crawling and following their attachment figure._" "_If the child receives the support, reassurance and comfort they need from their caretaker, their nervous system then returns to a state of calm homeostasis._" "_Further, being connected to and soothed by their caretakers over time teaches them how to self-soothe and regulate their own emotional [states](/knowledge/mental-state)._" "_We need to know that they will provide us with a safe haven to turn to when we need them, which then gives us a secure base from which we can expore our environment. Bowlby called this the_ exploratory behavioral system. _When our attachment needs are being met, this system enables us to feel comfortable and free to explore ourselves, others and the world around us._" Depending on the support children get from their caretakers, they develop attachment styles: "_John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth's research shows that children develop attachment styles that are more secure or more insecure, depending on how well their parents are able to be a connected and responsive safe haven for them._" "_if their attachment figure is unresponsive or inaccessible, and the child is left without a safe haven to turn to, they may adapt by either_ deactivating _(turning down) or_ hyperactivating _(turning up) their attachment needs_" "_As children, when we feel afraid, threatened or in need, and seeking closeness with our parents is _not_ a viable option because they're not available or because turning towards them doesn't make things better, we learn to rely more on ourselves. We become more self-reliant and we minimize our attachment needs._" Caregiver behaviors that may lead to a deactivating attachment strategy: "_Neglecting or abusing the child_" "_Being emotionally cold or rejecting the child_" "_Giving the child hostile, angry or threatening responses_" "_Discouraging a child's expression of vulnerability_" "_Encouraging (whether explicitly or implicitly) the child to be more self-reliant and independent_" "_If we experience discomfort or danger and closeness to a parent is still_ somewhat _of a viable option, we might learn that we can get their [attention](/knowledge/attention) by intensifying our attachment cries._" Caregiver behaviors that may lead to a hyperactivating attachment strategy: "_Being unreliable unpredictable or intrusive, wher einteractions are sometimes gratifying and connected, but at other times mis-attuned and disconnected_" "_Being emotionally cold or rejecting the child_" "_[Punishing](/knowledge/punishment) or ciricizing a child for their independence or curiosity_" "_Conveying messages that the child is not enough, or is incapable, stupid or failing in some way_" "_Taking on a helicopter style of parenting, which might include excessive praise but also excessive control, protectiveness or perfectionism_" "_Experiences of abuse or traumas that occur when the child is separated from their primary attachment figure, which can reinforce the notion that it's dangerous to be apart from them_"